Tuesday, September 30, 2014

THE STRUGGLE......why do I eat... (because I hate food) ???

     This past week I had a conversation with someone about my food addiction. I find it a little easier to talk about now and I believe that this last year and writing this blog has really helped.  So whether this is read by others or not, expressing myself here has allowed me to analyze and really think about what I'm doing.

     So back to what I asked, "Why do I eat?"  Most people eat because they are hungry and they want to fuel their bodies. That is part of it, I mean I do get hungry but I have never ate to fuel my body.  Think about those words for a minute, "FUEL   YOUR  BODY"  Oh, you mean there is a purpose for eating?????  Imagine that!  As I have talked about before, I grew up with little to no nutrition advice, our family ate what we could afford, fruits & vegetables were only when we visited certain relatives or friends, ask any of my family, I grew up on macaroni & cheese with fish sticks (and not the name brand OH NO!)  I remember as a kid wanting the Kraft brand cause their noodles were curved and we always got the generic AND our fish sticks were FLAT, not round like the Gorton's brand.  LOL  The things we recall huh?

     I even remember my father at the end of the table, his 4 daughters (under 10 yrs old) around the table and him not eating, why? He was waiting to make sure we all got enough to eat before he would eat. So when dinner was there, you ate all that you were given till you were full. Going to grandma's house was a treat 'cause she always had 'the good food'.  I won't go into all the yummies that grandma had, but you all know how it is. Mine always had name brand foods and THAT was great!  So many of my childhood memories were about food.  Those things shape us and we don't even know it at the time.

     Jump just 31 years in the future to today (yes that gives away my age for those of you who want to do the math) and I struggle EVERY DAY with food.


......and yet I LOVE it at the same time.  A LOVE / HATE relationship with anything can be deadly and I feel that is where I am. I am at a point that if I don't mend my relationship with food soon, it could lead to death, or a version of life that is so unpleasant that I don't want to live.

     So....WHY do I eat?  I eat for every other reason EXCEPT for being hungry.  Those of you who don't struggle with any sort of eating issue are like "Huh...what do you mean eating doesn't have to do with hunger....of course it does."  Well guess what......there are many of us out here that struggle every day with food and WISH we didn't!
So then, what are my reasons for eating, I made a list..... (in no particular order)

  • Angry
  • Sad
  • Worried
  • Frustrated
  • Lonely
  • Bored
  • Happy
  • Excited
  • Depressed
  • Disappointed
  • Trapped
  • Let Down
  • Celebratory
  • Pissed Off! (sorry to use that word but it happens)
  • Anxiety
  • Feeling left out
  • Unimportant
  • Useless
     Get the picture, just about every feeling I can have takes me to food. Now yes, Happy is in there, and why is that? Well even when I am getting together with friends or doing something fun, it revolves around food. Whether we cook or go out to eat I feel that way. So yeah, just about any emotion you can think leads to food, NEVER hunger.  Oh sure, if I get hungry I eat but that doesn't happen much cause I have already eaten for all the other reasons so I don't let myself get hungry.  And something else I have learned in this last year, I fear getting hungry. HUH?  I don't know but when it comes time for a meal whether at home or out somewhere else, there is a little worry wort in my head that is concerned if I will get 'enough' to eat.

That is the FIRST time I have EVER admitted that out loud.  But it's true.  I wish I knew why or where that started cause I have never gone hungry but I worry about not being 'full".  People talk about eating til their satisfied but for me, I can't judge that feeling, full is when you can't eat any more and THAT my friends is another part of my problem, portion control. But that is for another day. Now you know why I eat, I am so ashamed this is the case and I am so embarrassed right now for admitting all this BUT it's the truth.  I have to believe I am not alone in this but if I am, now you know a little more about me and my struggle.  

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Back at it again.

     I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post.  So much has happened (and not happened).  One thing that definitely has NOT happened is any success in my weight loss. My struggles continue.  My food addiction continues, I just can't seem to beat it.  I have tried SO MANY times in the last year to "get back on tract" and a couple of times have started well but always end up the same, falling off the wagon and eating whatever I can get my hands on.  (I actually would have brain surgery if it would stop me from thinking about food all the time)  I know my family is disappointed in me though they never say it, but I can tell. I just pretend like I can't.  It's the elephant in the room.  I think if I had never lost the weight before maybe it wouldn't be so awkward but I have and now that it is back and my try/fail record is stacking up, well, it's the subject that everyone wants cleared up but no one wants to address.  I am sure they don't want to hurt my feelings and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I can't bear to discuss it, so I pretend it doesn't exist on the outside while I am dying on the inside.

     So what is new with me right now?  Well I am trying again.  Giving it another go. I think the fact that I keep trying shows there is something inside of me that is not ready to give up although a few times over this past year in my mind I have been like, "be happy with yourself" or "just learn to love who you are and how you look" but it's just words, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I am SO unhappy with myself right now that it's absolutely pitiful. I think if I heard anyone else say out loud the things that I am saying in my head I would think that person was utterly hopeless and yet, that is how I feel sometimes.

     There is one thing I have come to learn about myself, when I can not control my "diet" and am throwing all caution to the wind, for the moment there is a huge weight off my shoulders BUT I start becoming very negative in other areas of my life, taking care of my home, being a mom, a friend, a wife.  I beat myself up and it starts to show in my productivity.
     Now on the other hand when I am taking control and being successful at it, it's like a new life in my steps.  I hold my head up, I am more positive about what I am doing, if I fall short, "No Biggie" it's just an error, I fix it and move on instead of dwell on it and hold it against myself.  I am my worst critic, I can overlook the largest of mistakes or flaws in others but highlight and emphasize the tiniest of my own.  I think I really hate what I have become, or allowed myself to become, so much as I don't feel I am worth of even the simplest reward.  I don't want my husband to do something nice for me because what I am doing nothing to deserve it.  Sure I make the family dinner each day, keep the house clean, teach my youngest home school, make sure the family's schedule runs smoothly and much more......but SO WHAT!  I might have just been able to tell you all those GOOD things I do but none of them matter because I can't loose this disgusting weight and I physically feel pain from it!

     Which leads me to my newest issue, pain.  The pain in my feet is coming back.  It used to be so bad I could barely walk and when I lost 100+ lbs back in 2009 it practically went away. That's right, gone!  Well it's taken about 5 yrs but it's back.  It's started in the last month or so. But not just my feet now, also my knees & lower back.  First thing in the morning or during the night I have to grab onto the bed & dresser just to make it to the bathroom.  During the day at times when I go from room to room I have to lean over and the limp/hobble dance that has become my 'new move" must make me look like a real weirdo.  Not to mention when I power through it when I do try to exercise.  Yes there  have been a few times when I get up and go to the local walking track, I turn on the tunes and in about an hour or so I am able to complete 3 miles.  I power through it but later that day I pay for it so badly.  I don't know how much longer my feet will
hold out.
Earlier this year in the spring (during one of my 'trys') I registered for and completed my first 5K.  It was tough, I did it in just under 1 hr and I wasn't the last person across the finish line. Yeah for me right?  I was so proud, was gonna frame my #badge (is that what they call the number you wear on your chest?) with a pic of me crossing the finish line and my time. It was going to be my motivation. But something (not sure what) derailed me shortly after...and.....with my hands in the air, (like this picture shows), I gave up.  Where is my #badge I was so proud of now......I really don't know.  I would be too ashamed to look at it anyway.

     I have been watching Extreme Weigh Loss w/ Chris Powell this season, well sort of watching. It's hard to watch.  I am mixed up with so many emotions when I do. I cry through all of them. I think, "if someone like that (Chris) believed in me enough to devote all that time into helping me figure out why I struggle like I do, maybe it would help me believe me!  I get angry when I watch because I wasn't chosen, I've mentioned in my posts in the past about how I came so close.
     CAN YOU BELIEVE they called me AGAIN this year and had the nerve to say that they saw something special in me from my previous submissions and really wanted me to come and apply for this year?????  In my mind I was thinking, if I was so special why did you not pick me LAST YEAR and at the same time there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this was my year.  Of course I told the producer that I was so crushed from not being chosen and that it sent me into such a depression that I could not take that kind of rejection again.  So that was that.

Friday, October 4, 2013


Well today has been a good day thus far.  I made it to the gym for my workout with my trainer, he will probably have that video up soon on Facebook and I will try to post it here.  I was feeling really good today, got on the scale and lost a little which made me FINALLY  break through the 261.2 mark!!  So I got dressed and headed out the door and just focused on feeling good and getting out.  
That is how we have to look at this, we can't pick a date or event to loose weight by. We shouldn't even pick that "perfect number" we have
to reach on the scale.  Sure we have to be realistic and recognize a healthy weight for our bodies but it's about making good choices.  Every day I say, "today I will do my best"  even if I have something that may be...well....not the healthiest choice IT'S OK!  Cause 1 cookie, or slice of cake or bowl of chips is not going to wreck my progress.
It's the BAG of cookies, the HALF of a cake or the BAG of chips for day after day that will do it.  

So we have to quit punishing ourselves and just make small changes. Quit focusing on what the end results will be and FOCUS ON TODAY.  Focus on each and every little change you make, APPLAUD yourself for making it and look forward to the next. When we do that we WILL get results but more importantly we will learn to love and be proud of ourselves along the way.
Isn't' that what we really want, to be happy with who we are and what we do each day?  That is what I want, to be happy with me.

So I applaud all of you, I pat you on the back and say "Good Job" and I send you (((Hugs))) because I know how hard this is and I know how falling down sucks and I know what it feels like to "start again" ...  BUT  ...  we did start again, we did pick ourselves up and we WILL be successful .........


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Remember Me?

     I can't believe it's has been ALMOST 2 months since my last post. That is so bad, I feel bad. I've had some friends ask if I still had my blog and I reluctantly say yes. So why haven't I posted?  To be brutally honest...... I'm embarrassed.

     I'm ashamed I haven't been the encouraging person I've wanted to be. I'm embarrassed to post that I'm NOT beating my struggles but in fact letting them beat me.  I've given in, hidden, shrunk back, cheated, been lazy, you name it, I have probably done it........EXCEPT for given up. 

     What was different this time is I recognized I was struggling, I could feel the stress and see how I was responding and even though I was aware I was not being triumphant all the time.  That, I feel, is an importent part of my journey, being aware of how you feel when you are doing whatever you are doing.  If we can do that ....  we are learning ...  And learning is all part of the process right?

     In the last 2 months I have been an intentional dieter. I hate to use the "D" word but it's the best way I can think to describe it. You know, I start my day out eating right and my "intention" is to continue through out the day BUT something will happen and I veer off.  I "intend" to start the next day better but ....... You all know what I mean. Now during the last 2 months I did keep taking the Garcinia Cambosia periodically. (especially when I knew I was about to eat a meal that was well...."off plan"). So when I got back on he scale today ( and yes, I have been avoiding the scale like the plague)  it's wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

     The last time I weighed was approximately in the beginning of Sept and I weighed 261.2. I was down 31.2 lbs. I was so happy, that meant that "intentional dieting" and the Garcinia had helped me not put back on any weight, I even lost 1.4 lbs. because the week prior time weighing myself I had cleaned up my diet a bit following Chris Powell's carb cycling plan. But again I let "things" get in the  way of putting my eating plan first, I didn't plan ahead and allowed myself to get too hungry, the you grab whatever. You know the drill. 

     So it brings me to this week. I have been tired of just letting what I want fall to the wayside. Sure I could give up on all this but INSIDE that's not what I really want. What I really want is to be successful, loose this weight, FEEL BETTER and be happy with ME! 

     So I got on the scale Monday morning Oct. 1, drum roll please.................
                           263.6 lbs.          

     Yep, I had put on 2.4 lbs in the last month. Now, I realize some of you are going "I can't do that in a weakened, heck, and afternoon". Well me too. But with the off and on eating I had been doing and taking the Garcinia I managed ony 2.4 for the whole month. That is good for me. Now I could focus on the negative (which is what's normally do) but I immediately didn't. 
1- it was only 2.4 lbs & could have been more
2- I am AWARE and taking action now before I let it go higher. 

     So that is where I am. I'm not 100% yet from being sick but SO WHAT!  I have missed several workouts but SO WHAT! I am getting back on the horses I am taking action. 

                           I AM PICKING MYSELF BACK UP,  BY MYSELF,  FOR MYSELF!

     So I hope to be better for all this and finish off 2013 with some good numbers. 

Have a GREAT WEEK everyone and a GREAT OCTOBER!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hills & Valleys - I'm struggling to climb back up

     It's been 2 weeks since my last post and I'm sorry about that. I've been so busy and had some intense things going on. Not to mention all the back to school stuff that I was NOT ready for. I'm trying to be as involved as I can from the beginning of the school year so it will go better than her last. 

     Some things that have happened I can't really go into and others are just the NUMEROUS things a wife/mom has to do.  What I can say is I have gotten overwhelmed, stressed & allowed 'me' to fall to the back burner. When I first started this journey I was making sure my diet & exercise came first and with much success, but something happened, something has caused me to loose focus and "give in".  I sort of know the point but again, I can't really discuss it here but I assure you it's a legitimate stressed.   I'm so mad at myself for doing that. This was going to be the year, MY YEAR to not do what I always do, give in and say "what's the use". I normally barely make it 2 weeks, so to make it 10 is a huge accomplishment.

    I have totally derailed, each day is a new hope. I eat properly, have my mid morning Snack and lunch will usually go ok. (I say usually). But by 3-4:00 I'm stressed, worried, overwhelmed, tearing up and say, who cares!  Then I eat what i want. Yes, I have to admit, there have been some fast food moments. Only 1 that was just terrible, others have been borderline. What does that mean, well I will still get the grilled chicken sand BUT I get the fries. Or I skip the fires and gets a shake. I KNOW, I KNOW, I'm so sorry, you guys deserve so much better from me than that. But my will power goes OUT the window (sorry for the pun) and I loose all strength to make the right choice. RIGHT NOW I am typing this and thinking about lunch and what I WANT to eat instead of what I should. I HATE that feeling. 

    They say that we are in total control of what we put in our mouths. We can control what we eat so that is what gives us the ultimate control of it all. but for some reason I see eating right is not what my 'heart' wants. It's what I'm supposed to eat so it's not MY CHOICE. Does that make any sense?  I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to FEEL good..........so why are those wants not stronger than my WANT to eat Mexican? (which I haven't done, I just have been thinking about it). I know I'm headed on a downward spiral, I see it coming. I see myself starting to withdraw & I don't want to completely de-rail. I want to catch it now but I'm not sure how to pick myself up from this at the moment. 

     I was watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss and I couldn't hold back the tears. I NEED someone who can look into me and understand what I'm going through. Someone who can say "you are feeling this because of this" and help me learn how to figure it out. I have been so fortunate with what has come my way thus far, a great trainer, ability to work out at a gym as much as I need & wonderful people supporting me. But I recognize I still need a lot of help. I guess writing all this down is my first step to facing it and then dealing with it. 

     So right now I am seriously frustrated with myself & how I have been handling things. I have been putting on a strong face & smile for those who do see me and avoiding the others.  Today is my training session with Jumaane. I don't know if I can tell him all this, I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong and make a change that he can be proud of. So why can't I just be proud of me? Why don't I worry about disappointing myself. 

     Gotta figure out how to get through this. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

GARCINIA CAMBOGIA - Does it make a difference???

     So if you are on this weight loss journey with me, then you have been bombarded also with every kind of 'supplement' out there.  So many promising this and promising that. But we are not stupid, when you read the small print, they all go 'hand in hand' with a healthy diet and exercise.  Well Duh!!!!  If you do that you are going to loose weight anyway.  Sure, some of them may help speed up your metabolism or curb your hunger & cravings, but either they have some unpleasant side effects OR you just can't afford them.

     Regardless, I have been tempted (repeatedly) but to no avail I decided not to.  Not for any moral reasons like "I'm gonna do this on my own" or anything like that, but mostly cause I just didn't know which ones to take and most I just can't afford.

     Now I have been looking at Green Coffee Bean & Raspberry Ketones, Dr. Oz has talked alot about them on his shows and they are mearly just natural herbs that can help, but they don't work for everyone and EVERYONE out there has their own brand, which to choose. 

     Well recently I saw a clip about something called Garcinia Cambogia. They said that Dr. Oz supported it but I know to do my own research, so I did.  I discovered that he has actually done 3 different shows talking about this product.  Here are the exactly articles & videos I watched that really gave me some great information: (these are just a couple articles, please do your own research)

Garcinia Cambogia (HCA): Is This Right for You?   This article will give you some great basic facts about just what is the supplement and what it can do.

Click Here for a link to his Part III video that gives guidelines for what to look for when you buy it.

     So basically what I did, after reading all I could and seeing what Dr. Oz had to say about it, I went to my local Herb Shop with the guidelines in hand to see if they carried the product.
They did!  The price was fair, $30 for a bottle of 120 500mg capsules, and depending on how many I took per day, the bottle could last me 20-45 days.  So I thought, let's give it a try.

     I started taking them on Tuesday July 16 dinner time.  So that is now just been a week.  I understand that I won't see a pound change right away, if you have read & watched everything you will see that while it stops fat absorption and shrinks fat cells it also helps feed and build your muscles, which we ALL KNOW weights more than fat.  So what I should see is a difference in inches.  Now we have all said it, "I don't care if I weigh 300 lbs if I  wear a size 6" Now we don't mean that but what we do realize is that body composition is unique to everyone.  I know that if I weight 160 lbs at 5'4", I will NOT look the same as someone who is 5'7".  So if I am seeing a difference in my clothes then I know I must be doing something right and that the pounds will catch up. That is just how it happens.  

This is what they look like, about the size
of your average vitamin, but in an easy to 
swallow capsule. They are VERY light
weight, so that helps with swallowing too,

          So I don't have any dramatic inch losses or pounds in only a week to share, but what I do have to share is what is NOT there. No side effects.  I have not felt "funny' in any way. I have noticed a slight good energy feeling. Not like with coffee or a 5Hour, but you know when you are just having a good day? Your in a good mood and you just feel like getting things done?  That is what I have noticed and that is great.  As far as the appetite control, I can't say yet. But as I have confided, I don't always eat because I am hungry, my emotions spark my eating. What it has done though is make me aware of WHEN I am eating, how much time in between meals & so forth. That is great because a huge part in keeping your metabolism going is by eating at least every 3 hrs, so being aware of what & how much I am eating even more so than before.

This is the brand I purchased, but I am sure there are others, just MAKE SURE they have the minimum requirements so that you know you are getting a quality product:

1) Contains at least 50% HCA & state it on the label
2) No fillers, binders or extra ingredients.
3)  Make sure it contains Calcium & Potassium

My New Milestone Charm - I'm so Proud!

How has everyone been doing.  I am still plugging along.  

I'm so excited, lost another 2 lbs and am now down 27.6 lbs!  
Woot! Woot!

Little by little I am chipping away, learning how to LIVE with a healthier lifestyle. I'm not focusing so much on the pounds but on the overall change, which is what is most important right?

I enjoyed my pedicure when I hit my 25lb milestone and it was so nice, but I wanted something a little more permanent.
Something that would show me my milestones all along the way, that I could look at daily, reflect on and remember just how far I had come.

I mentioned in a post before that I have a crafty side. Yes I love to create items with a Shabby chic & Vintage flair and I sell them at a local Antique market & online on Etsy.  So I have a true appreciation for the small business person and I love to be able to support fellow crafters like myself.  So I found Shealyn who makes hand stamped jewelry at Clearique Boutique on Etsy. She has some beautiful items that caught my attention but none that were exactly what I wanted. So I sent her an email and we put our heads together. Several conversations later she created this just for me:

"Find Your Strength  *  Never Give Up"

This is for my first 25lbs I have lost, never to go back on me, stamped into this pendant to remind me of how hard I worked to get here.  As I reach my next milestones, which ever I choose them to be, I will get those pounds on disks to add to my necklace.
Until ALL the weight is gone from my body and hanging on this pendant, never to return. 

She can do something very similar for you too, a pendant, bracelet  key chain, mirror charm, whatever. Please visit her Etsy Shop and look around at least, she has so much to choose from that I know you will see something you like.

So I send a HUGE Shout Out to a very talented woman for her patience & talent in working with me to design the exact piece I needed to hang around my neck and remind me that 
I Do Have the Strength to Never Give Up!