Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Back at it again.

     I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post.  So much has happened (and not happened).  One thing that definitely has NOT happened is any success in my weight loss. My struggles continue.  My food addiction continues, I just can't seem to beat it.  I have tried SO MANY times in the last year to "get back on tract" and a couple of times have started well but always end up the same, falling off the wagon and eating whatever I can get my hands on.  (I actually would have brain surgery if it would stop me from thinking about food all the time)  I know my family is disappointed in me though they never say it, but I can tell. I just pretend like I can't.  It's the elephant in the room.  I think if I had never lost the weight before maybe it wouldn't be so awkward but I have and now that it is back and my try/fail record is stacking up, well, it's the subject that everyone wants cleared up but no one wants to address.  I am sure they don't want to hurt my feelings and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I can't bear to discuss it, so I pretend it doesn't exist on the outside while I am dying on the inside.

     So what is new with me right now?  Well I am trying again.  Giving it another go. I think the fact that I keep trying shows there is something inside of me that is not ready to give up although a few times over this past year in my mind I have been like, "be happy with yourself" or "just learn to love who you are and how you look" but it's just words, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I am SO unhappy with myself right now that it's absolutely pitiful. I think if I heard anyone else say out loud the things that I am saying in my head I would think that person was utterly hopeless and yet, that is how I feel sometimes.

     There is one thing I have come to learn about myself, when I can not control my "diet" and am throwing all caution to the wind, for the moment there is a huge weight off my shoulders BUT I start becoming very negative in other areas of my life, taking care of my home, being a mom, a friend, a wife.  I beat myself up and it starts to show in my productivity.
     Now on the other hand when I am taking control and being successful at it, it's like a new life in my steps.  I hold my head up, I am more positive about what I am doing, if I fall short, "No Biggie" it's just an error, I fix it and move on instead of dwell on it and hold it against myself.  I am my worst critic, I can overlook the largest of mistakes or flaws in others but highlight and emphasize the tiniest of my own.  I think I really hate what I have become, or allowed myself to become, so much as I don't feel I am worth of even the simplest reward.  I don't want my husband to do something nice for me because what I am doing nothing to deserve it.  Sure I make the family dinner each day, keep the house clean, teach my youngest home school, make sure the family's schedule runs smoothly and much more......but SO WHAT!  I might have just been able to tell you all those GOOD things I do but none of them matter because I can't loose this disgusting weight and I physically feel pain from it!

     Which leads me to my newest issue, pain.  The pain in my feet is coming back.  It used to be so bad I could barely walk and when I lost 100+ lbs back in 2009 it practically went away. That's right, gone!  Well it's taken about 5 yrs but it's back.  It's started in the last month or so. But not just my feet now, also my knees & lower back.  First thing in the morning or during the night I have to grab onto the bed & dresser just to make it to the bathroom.  During the day at times when I go from room to room I have to lean over and the limp/hobble dance that has become my 'new move" must make me look like a real weirdo.  Not to mention when I power through it when I do try to exercise.  Yes there  have been a few times when I get up and go to the local walking track, I turn on the tunes and in about an hour or so I am able to complete 3 miles.  I power through it but later that day I pay for it so badly.  I don't know how much longer my feet will
hold out.
Earlier this year in the spring (during one of my 'trys') I registered for and completed my first 5K.  It was tough, I did it in just under 1 hr and I wasn't the last person across the finish line. Yeah for me right?  I was so proud, was gonna frame my #badge (is that what they call the number you wear on your chest?) with a pic of me crossing the finish line and my time. It was going to be my motivation. But something (not sure what) derailed me shortly after...and.....with my hands in the air, (like this picture shows), I gave up.  Where is my #badge I was so proud of now......I really don't know.  I would be too ashamed to look at it anyway.

     I have been watching Extreme Weigh Loss w/ Chris Powell this season, well sort of watching. It's hard to watch.  I am mixed up with so many emotions when I do. I cry through all of them. I think, "if someone like that (Chris) believed in me enough to devote all that time into helping me figure out why I struggle like I do, maybe it would help me believe me!  I get angry when I watch because I wasn't chosen, I've mentioned in my posts in the past about how I came so close.
     CAN YOU BELIEVE they called me AGAIN this year and had the nerve to say that they saw something special in me from my previous submissions and really wanted me to come and apply for this year?????  In my mind I was thinking, if I was so special why did you not pick me LAST YEAR and at the same time there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this was my year.  Of course I told the producer that I was so crushed from not being chosen and that it sent me into such a depression that I could not take that kind of rejection again.  So that was that.

Friday, October 4, 2013


Well today has been a good day thus far.  I made it to the gym for my workout with my trainer, he will probably have that video up soon on Facebook and I will try to post it here.  I was feeling really good today, got on the scale and lost a little which made me FINALLY  break through the 261.2 mark!!  So I got dressed and headed out the door and just focused on feeling good and getting out.  
That is how we have to look at this, we can't pick a date or event to loose weight by. We shouldn't even pick that "perfect number" we have
to reach on the scale.  Sure we have to be realistic and recognize a healthy weight for our bodies but it's about making good choices.  Every day I say, "today I will do my best"  even if I have something that may be...well....not the healthiest choice IT'S OK!  Cause 1 cookie, or slice of cake or bowl of chips is not going to wreck my progress.
It's the BAG of cookies, the HALF of a cake or the BAG of chips for day after day that will do it.  

So we have to quit punishing ourselves and just make small changes. Quit focusing on what the end results will be and FOCUS ON TODAY.  Focus on each and every little change you make, APPLAUD yourself for making it and look forward to the next. When we do that we WILL get results but more importantly we will learn to love and be proud of ourselves along the way.
Isn't' that what we really want, to be happy with who we are and what we do each day?  That is what I want, to be happy with me.

So I applaud all of you, I pat you on the back and say "Good Job" and I send you (((Hugs))) because I know how hard this is and I know how falling down sucks and I know what it feels like to "start again" ...  BUT  ...  we did start again, we did pick ourselves up and we WILL be successful .........


P.S.-Remember I mentioned I had something I was giving a try in the works? Well next week I plan to tell you all about it, but for now just know things are going good and if it keeps going the way it is, I will be bursting at the seems to share it with you!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Remember Me?

     I can't believe it's has been ALMOST 2 months since my last post. That is so bad, I feel bad. I've had some friends ask if I still had my blog and I reluctantly say yes. So why haven't I posted?  To be brutally honest...... I'm embarrassed. 

     I'm ashamed I haven't been the encouraging person I've wanted to be. I'm embarrassed to post that I'm NOT beating my struggles but in fact letting them beat me.  I've given in, hidden, shrunk back, cheated, been lazy, you name it, I have probably done it........EXCEPT for given up. 

     What was different this time is I recognized I was struggling, I could feel the stress and see how I was responding and even though I was aware I was not being triumphant all the time.  That, I feel, is an importent part of my journey, being aware of how you feel when you are doing whatever you are doing.  If we can do that ....  we are learning ...  And learning is all part of the process right?

     In the last 2 months I have been an intentional dieter. I hate to use the "D" word but it's the best way I can think to describe it. You know, I start my day out eating right and my "intention" is to continue through out the day BUT something will happen and I veer off.  I "intend" to start the next day better but ....... You all know what I mean. Now during the last 2 months I did keep taking the Garcinia Cambosia periodically. (especially when I knew I was about to eat a meal that was well...."off plan"). So when I got back on he scale today ( and yes, I have been avoiding the scale like the plague)  it's wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

     The last time I weighed was approximately in the beginning of Sept and I weighed 261.2. I was down 31.2 lbs. I was so happy, that meant that "intentional dieting" and the Garcinia had helped me not put back on any weight, I even lost 1.4 lbs. because the week prior time weighing myself I had cleaned up my diet a bit following Chris Powell's carb cycling plan. But again I let "things" get in the  way of putting my eating plan first, I didn't plan ahead and allowed myself to get too hungry, the you grab whatever. You know the drill. 

     So it brings me to this week. I have been tired of just letting what I want fall to the wayside. Sure I could give up on all this but INSIDE that's not what I really want. What I really want is to be successful, loose this weight, FEEL BETTER and be happy with ME! 

     So I got on the scale Monday morning Oct. 1, drum roll please.................
                           263.6 lbs.          

     Yep, I had put on 2.4 lbs in the last month. Now, I realize some of you are going "I can't do that in a weakened, heck, and afternoon". Well me too. But with the off and on eating I had been doing and taking the Garcinia I managed ony 2.4 for the whole month. That is good for me. Now I could focus on the negative (which is what's normally do) but I immediately didn't. 
1- it was only 2.4 lbs & could have been more
2- I am AWARE and taking action now before I let it go higher. 

     So that is where I am. I'm not 100% yet from being sick but SO WHAT!  I have missed several workouts but SO WHAT! I am getting back on the horses I am taking action. 

                           I AM PICKING MYSELF BACK UP,  BY MYSELF,  FOR MYSELF!

     So I hope to be better for all this and finish off 2013 with some good numbers. 

P.S.- I also average something I am trying out. I don't want to say anything yet but I am hoping it will give me a little "help" to keep me motivated and going forward. So stay tuned to see what I am up to :)

Have a GREAT WEEK everyone and a GREAT OCTOBER!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hills & Valleys - I'm struggling to climb back up

     It's been 2 weeks since my last post and I'm sorry about that. I've been so busy and had some intense things going on. Not to mention all the back to school stuff that I was NOT ready for. I'm trying to be as involved as I can from the beginning of the school year so it will go better than her last. 

     Some things that have happened I can't really go into and others are just the NUMEROUS things a wife/mom has to do.  What I can say is I have gotten overwhelmed, stressed & allowed 'me' to fall to the back burner. When I first started this journey I was making sure my diet & exercise came first and with much success, but something happened, something has caused me to loose focus and "give in".  I sort of know the point but again, I can't really discuss it here but I assure you it's a legitimate stressed.   I'm so mad at myself for doing that. This was going to be the year, MY YEAR to not do what I always do, give in and say "what's the use". I normally barely make it 2 weeks, so to make it 10 is a huge accomplishment.

    I have totally derailed, each day is a new hope. I eat properly, have my mid morning Snack and lunch will usually go ok. (I say usually). But by 3-4:00 I'm stressed, worried, overwhelmed, tearing up and say, who cares!  Then I eat what i want. Yes, I have to admit, there have been some fast food moments. Only 1 that was just terrible, others have been borderline. What does that mean, well I will still get the grilled chicken sand BUT I get the fries. Or I skip the fires and gets a shake. I KNOW, I KNOW, I'm so sorry, you guys deserve so much better from me than that. But my will power goes OUT the window (sorry for the pun) and I loose all strength to make the right choice. RIGHT NOW I am typing this and thinking about lunch and what I WANT to eat instead of what I should. I HATE that feeling. 

    They say that we are in total control of what we put in our mouths. We can control what we eat so that is what gives us the ultimate control of it all. but for some reason I see eating right is not what my 'heart' wants. It's what I'm supposed to eat so it's not MY CHOICE. Does that make any sense?  I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to FEEL good..........so why are those wants not stronger than my WANT to eat Mexican? (which I haven't done, I just have been thinking about it). I know I'm headed on a downward spiral, I see it coming. I see myself starting to withdraw & I don't want to completely de-rail. I want to catch it now but I'm not sure how to pick myself up from this at the moment. 

     I was watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss and I couldn't hold back the tears. I NEED someone who can look into me and understand what I'm going through. Someone who can say "you are feeling this because of this" and help me learn how to figure it out. I have been so fortunate with what has come my way thus far, a great trainer, ability to work out at a gym as much as I need & wonderful people supporting me. But I recognize I still need a lot of help. I guess writing all this down is my first step to facing it and then dealing with it. 

     So right now I am seriously frustrated with myself & how I have been handling things. I have been putting on a strong face & smile for those who do see me and avoiding the others.  Today is my training session with Jumaane. I don't know if I can tell him all this, I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong and make a change that he can be proud of. So why can't I just be proud of me? Why don't I worry about disappointing myself. 

     Gotta figure out how to get through this. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

GARCINIA CAMBOGIA - Does it make a difference???

     So if you are on this weight loss journey with me, then you have been bombarded also with every kind of 'supplement' out there.  So many promising this and promising that. But we are not stupid, when you read the small print, they all go 'hand in hand' with a healthy diet and exercise.  Well Duh!!!!  If you do that you are going to loose weight anyway.  Sure, some of them may help speed up your metabolism or curb your hunger & cravings, but either they have some unpleasant side effects OR you just can't afford them.

     Regardless, I have been tempted (repeatedly) but to no avail I decided not to.  Not for any moral reasons like "I'm gonna do this on my own" or anything like that, but mostly cause I just didn't know which ones to take and most I just can't afford.

     Now I have been looking at Green Coffee Bean & Raspberry Ketones, Dr. Oz has talked alot about them on his shows and they are mearly just natural herbs that can help, but they don't work for everyone and EVERYONE out there has their own brand, which to choose. 

     Well recently I saw a clip about something called Garcinia Cambogia. They said that Dr. Oz supported it but I know to do my own research, so I did.  I discovered that he has actually done 3 different shows talking about this product.  Here are the exactly articles & videos I watched that really gave me some great information: (these are just a couple articles, please do your own research)

Garcinia Cambogia (HCA): Is This Right for You?   This article will give you some great basic facts about just what is the supplement and what it can do.

Click Here for a link to his Part III video that gives guidelines for what to look for when you buy it.

     So basically what I did, after reading all I could and seeing what Dr. Oz had to say about it, I went to my local Herb Shop with the guidelines in hand to see if they carried the product.
They did!  The price was fair, $30 for a bottle of 120 500mg capsules, and depending on how many I took per day, the bottle could last me 20-45 days.  So I thought, let's give it a try.

     I started taking them on Tuesday July 16 dinner time.  So that is now just been a week.  I understand that I won't see a pound change right away, if you have read & watched everything you will see that while it stops fat absorption and shrinks fat cells it also helps feed and build your muscles, which we ALL KNOW weights more than fat.  So what I should see is a difference in inches.  Now we have all said it, "I don't care if I weigh 300 lbs if I  wear a size 6" Now we don't mean that but what we do realize is that body composition is unique to everyone.  I know that if I weight 160 lbs at 5'4", I will NOT look the same as someone who is 5'7".  So if I am seeing a difference in my clothes then I know I must be doing something right and that the pounds will catch up. That is just how it happens.  

This is what they look like, about the size
of your average vitamin, but in an easy to 
swallow capsule. They are VERY light
weight, so that helps with swallowing too,

          So I don't have any dramatic inch losses or pounds in only a week to share, but what I do have to share is what is NOT there. No side effects.  I have not felt "funny' in any way. I have noticed a slight good energy feeling. Not like with coffee or a 5Hour, but you know when you are just having a good day? Your in a good mood and you just feel like getting things done?  That is what I have noticed and that is great.  As far as the appetite control, I can't say yet. But as I have confided, I don't always eat because I am hungry, my emotions spark my eating. What it has done though is make me aware of WHEN I am eating, how much time in between meals & so forth. That is great because a huge part in keeping your metabolism going is by eating at least every 3 hrs, so being aware of what & how much I am eating even more so than before.

This is the brand I purchased, but I am sure there are others, just MAKE SURE they have the minimum requirements so that you know you are getting a quality product:

1) Contains at least 50% HCA & state it on the label
2) No fillers, binders or extra ingredients.
3)  Make sure it contains Calcium & Potassium

My New Milestone Charm - I'm so Proud!

How has everyone been doing.  I am still plugging along.  

I'm so excited, lost another 2 lbs and am now down 27.6 lbs!  
Woot! Woot!

Little by little I am chipping away, learning how to LIVE with a healthier lifestyle. I'm not focusing so much on the pounds but on the overall change, which is what is most important right?

I enjoyed my pedicure when I hit my 25lb milestone and it was so nice, but I wanted something a little more permanent.
Something that would show me my milestones all along the way, that I could look at daily, reflect on and remember just how far I had come.

I mentioned in a post before that I have a crafty side. Yes I love to create items with a Shabby chic & Vintage flair and I sell them at a local Antique market & online on Etsy.  So I have a true appreciation for the small business person and I love to be able to support fellow crafters like myself.  So I found Shealyn who makes hand stamped jewelry at Clearique Boutique on Etsy. She has some beautiful items that caught my attention but none that were exactly what I wanted. So I sent her an email and we put our heads together. Several conversations later she created this just for me:

"Find Your Strength  *  Never Give Up"

This is for my first 25lbs I have lost, never to go back on me, stamped into this pendant to remind me of how hard I worked to get here.  As I reach my next milestones, which ever I choose them to be, I will get those pounds on disks to add to my necklace.
Until ALL the weight is gone from my body and hanging on this pendant, never to return. 

She can do something very similar for you too, a pendant, bracelet  key chain, mirror charm, whatever. Please visit her Etsy Shop and look around at least, she has so much to choose from that I know you will see something you like.

So I send a HUGE Shout Out to a very talented woman for her patience & talent in working with me to design the exact piece I needed to hang around my neck and remind me that 
I Do Have the Strength to Never Give Up!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

A Flood of Tears, A Flood of emotions..............The Flood *revised*

So this is a part of my history that I feel plays a HUGE part in how severe my food addiction & binging has become.  It's a recent part of  my past that while I feel is key to a lot, it still so very hard to talk about there is so much to tell.  So I will do my best to give you as many details as possible without being long winded.

Me in my sister's wedding in a dress
that I could barely fit.
     2008, my weight had hit an all time high of over 250 lbs, my feet hurt so bad, I had learned that I had severe Plantar Fasciitis which had cause major bone spurs on both heels.  I was in terrible pain constantly and after much discussion my husband and I agreed that Lap Band was the way to go.  We did our research and found a reputable doctor out in California, did all the preliminary paperwork, book the plan tickets and my surgery was schedule for the beginning of 2009.  Well hubby did more and more research, tracking down patient reviews and making sure we were completely knowledgeable about all the "after".  Well we came to the conclusion that it wasn't right for me, if the way I was going to loose weight was just by eating a WHOLE LOT LESS, it wasn't fixing any real problems and the pain & complications that could come from if you overate were just too much for me to handle. So we cancelled the surgery for now and I would give it one more solid try before we went that route.  My sister got married in Nov. 2008 and that summer I measured for a size 18 bridesmaid dress.  By November when the dress came in it was all I could do to zip the dress and I knew I could not wait any longer.  We looked into many different options (I had tried & failed at just about EVERY diet out there) and I decided to visit a local weight loss clinic here in the Atlanta area. Quick Weight Loss Center.  I visited their office in Jan. '09 and got the low down on what it would cost & how long it would take me.  I started the week AFTER the Superbowl that year. (I remember because I wanted to enjoy Superbowl and all it's snack food goodness)

     Quick Weight Loss Center weighed me in at 261 lbs my highest weight yet, they helped me get started and right away I began loosing weight.
From Feb '09 to Sep, just 7 short months I went from 261 to 157 I dropped approx. 104 lbs.   AMAZING Right?
Almost to my goal, finally able to
tuck in a shirt
My lowest weight yet, 153 lbs, Dec. '09
wearing my favorite size 10 jeans.
Who would have every thought...not me!

Everyone was in awe!  How did you do it? You look great! Tell me your secret. It came off fast, I NEVER cheated and I felt like I was in control.  I still felt like the 261 lb woman, I would catch my reflection when I was out and about and I didn't recognize myself, I would just look and think, is that really me?  There were so many features of my body that I didn't realize were there hidden under all the weight. The neatest thing I remember was how my body felt when I would walk. I know it's crazy but when I didn't have all the weight on my joints, as I would walk I could feel my the specific movement of my legs, my hips and they would move, it's hard to describe but it was like I was AWARE of how my joints worked in order to help me walk.  Plus the pain from my Plantar Faciitis was completely gone!  
Its a feeling I long to feel again.

     That year my husband & I's anniversary was in May but we didn't do anything special, we saved all year and had a cruise planned for Sept. it was going to be a celebration vacation. For (1) our anniversary and (2) my successful weight loss. We even splurged for this cruise and had a cabin w/ a corner balcony on the back of the ship. It was going to be a week to remember. Our cruise ship departed Sept. 17 on a Saturday, excitement was in the air and for the first time in my life I was Ble to wear cute summer outfits and I had a RED ball gown for formal night (I had ALWAYS wanted a red dress). Monday Sept. 19 our boat was docked at an island port, in the early afternoon both my husband and I had missed calls on our cell phone from our oldest daughter (14 at the time). We didn't think much of it, maybe the little one (4 yr old) had tried to call us  or something. The afternoon went on and it came time for dinner. We were sitting at a large round table in the formal dining room w/ the rest of my family who also were on this trip, my mother & step-dad, 2 of my 3 sisters and their husbands along with their children (we had left our girls w/ their grandmother for this trip). Toward the end of the meal the waiter came to our table and said I had a phone call. I went to the matre'd stand and he told me it Was an emergency phone cll from land, we needed to go to the pursers desk immediately. I went back to the table to get my husband Max and we left. The walk to the pursers desk was practically T the other end of the ship, it seems like we walked for ever. The entered time my mind was running through all the scenarios of what could of happened, by the time we reached the purser's desk I was in tears. Max took the phone and I tried to listen but it was so hard to put together, all I could make out was his repeated question, "are the girls ok"' "are the girls hurt", "ARE THE GIRLS OK??"

     When he finally hung up he turned to me with the most bewildered look in his eyes, "our house is gone, there was a flood and everything is under water".  We couldn't comprehend the magnitude of what had happened, we just knew that our 14 yr old had to be recused from our home but she was now together with our youngest and they were out of harm's way. All I could think about was my girls needing us. My daughter bring scared as the water came in and I was so far away.  It was out worst nightmare thus far, our children NEEDED us and we were not there for them. I felt so hopeless in the middle of the ocean. Our first instinct was to rush right home but that was not an option. We had taking this trip with ony our birth certificates. To fly home we would need passports. So we could do nothing but WAIT, yes wait until the boat returned on Saturday, it was only Monday. I think back to all the DIFFERENT things my family said to me, so kind, others not so much. I won't dwell on either as there is a lot of resentment there, but one thing my mother said was, "it's only material possessions, just don't worry about it, enjoy your vacation & don't want to waste the trip". Now maybe those are not the EXACT words but that was the gist of it and it was said a few times. But I'm sorry,it wasn't about the possessions, it was more than that, she didn't get it and that wasn't the LAST time insensitive things were said or done. 

Our ranch home after the water started to recede. At it's highest it was
just over 6 feet deep, covering the car and to the top pane of the windows.
   That week on the ship was a roller coaster of emotions.  At times I would just sit and start crying, thinking about what was going on. Not knowing anything and just wondering what as happening. Where are our girls? Do they feel safe now? How scared are they?  While on the ship we would watch CNN of the reporting of the Flood of 2009 her in Atlanta. We were trying to gather any and all info we could. We didn't live in a flood zone, I mean Six Flags over Ga. was under water for goodness sake, the city was in a crisis and we were hundreds of miles away and couldn't do anything!  At one point we were watching CNN & we saw video of a flooded neighborhood with people pushing a boat down the middle of the road, there were possessions in their boat and the water was to their neck. We looked and realized it was OUR neighborhood.  When we got home we found out it was our nephew with one of his friends bring our scrapbooks out of our home, they had been totally submerged and they dug under the water to get them for us.  By Wednesday, Sep.21 our family (my youngest sister & father) who were still in town were able to take pictures of our home (like the one above) and email them my brother-in-law who was with us on the ship. We went to the Internet cafe on the ship to view them and I just broke down. It was at that moment we realized the devastation waiting for us when we returned.  

The next 3 months we more than we had ever imagined we would have to deal with.
I could relay experience after experience. Some so upsetting I don't wish to relive in order to tell you about them, some so uplifting and encouraging that those are the ones that helped us hold it together and get through it all.  We lived with my baby sis during this time which was an hour away, we had NO insurance so we relied on what little FEMA would give us and all the repair work was done by volunteers.  3 weeks after the flood I was schedule to have major surgery. I had found out earlier that summer that I had the early stages of cervical cancer and that a hysterectomy was necessary. So during the rebuilding process I was laid up in bed trying to recover why hubby worked at his secular job during the day and every evening would go to our home to do work.  On the weekend we had droves of volunteers from the Disaster Relief Committee set up at the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses.  They had people there round the clock providing meals for the workers & those displaced plus so many items had been donated that there was a place we could go for clothing, toiletries and such because well, we had nothing. 
Volunteers helping          Living Room             Dining Room              Kitchen                  Master Bedroom        

     So at a time in my life when I should have been celebrating a wonderful success of weigh loss and learning to make a new lifestyle of keeping the weight off, we were trying to rebuild our lives from scratch and I was trying to heal from major surgery (which had me on a VERY odd diet).  I went to eating whatever was provided by the volunteers, fast food & eating out.  I still tried my best and did OK for a little while, but slowly by the spring time I started to see a little weight come back on. By May 2010 (which was our 10 yr anniversary) I'm not sure how much weight I had put back on but I remember that my size 10's did not fit and I was wearing 12/14.  So it didn't take long.

     I remember thinking back when I had almost reached my goal weight that I was fixed. I remember thinking, "Oh, all the weight is gone, my problems are gone. I'm no longer over weight, all better" but couldn't have been farther from the truth. I had NO CLUE what I really had done and what I needed to do. 

     I WISH now I had appreciated where I was. I wish I knew then what I know now and had taken steps to understand my mindset and worked to keep it all off. Life is full of should of's isn't it?  My diet was so strict I rarely exercised during the loss.  Just walking and at home work out DVDs was about it.  Since all this happened, the stress of everything and all that we have had to endure up to now, those behaviors I had before have just ballooned into my food addiction and all that it had burdened me with.  So this time around the weight is coming off more slowly. My diet is not as strict, it allows me to make mistake and come back from them. My exercise is a part of this journey from the beginning and I honestly feel that THIS TIME I will thoroughly appreciate all the hard work I put into is and NEVER take for granted again how far I have come. 

     So that is the story of my previous BIG weight loss and probably one of the biggest tragedy that I have gone through that I think really has affected me.  Oh sure, I have other issues that stem back to my younger years, things that I experienced back when I was growing up that are the true root of my emotional eating disorder and turning to food for comfort, but those things are just more pieces to this ugly puzzle.  This that I have just shared with you is a part that I almost have to NOT think about in order to move forward.  There are so many other things that I experienced during that 3 month period that I still hold onto, have resentment about and cry & get angry about, but some things are just too painful to talk about.  Maybe one day I will be able to talk about them but for now, this is the most I can muster up the courage to talk about. I hope this helps you understand me a little more and know that ALL of us have had to endure and go through some sort of tragedy that will leave it's mark on us for the rest of our lives. It's up to us if we are going to just let it be what holds us back or be a part of what makes us stronger.  We decide for ourselves which way we are going to go.  Let's choose together to be stronger!