So here I am in all my glory, not pleased with these photos at all. As I look at them I cry as what I have become. But it's not only how I look, it's how I feel. I have been heavy all my life and after my 2 pregnancies I was my highest at 255 w/ my first in 1995 and 271 after my second in 2004. But even then I did not FEEL as bad as I do now. I have severe back pain, I have a bulging disk at my L5 (I believe) which is pressing on my Sciatic Nerve, the pain is just too much some days, I start my day off with Aleve & ibuprofen every morning. Then to my knees. Last year around September is when the left knee started, it would just grind when I would bend or go up & down the stairs. It was mostly the sound but after about 4 months the sound started hurting. Then about 3 months ago in March the right knee started it's own noise, it's like I was creating my own rhythm as I take the stairs, now the pain along with the noise. No let up. It's the kind of pain that it hurts but doesn't stop me in my tracks....yet. Of course I am just tired all the time, no energy and become exhausted very easily when any exertion is done. For sure being this heavy later in life is much harder on my body than it was just 5 years ago.
My first 'big' picture (we will NOT use the 'F' word here) was when I was only 7 yrs old. It was 1981, I had just finished spending the summer with my Italian grandmother (who I miss dearly) and they flew me back home to Ga. from my hometown of Melbourne Fl. Now up until then I was a normal fit little girl. Very average in size and was even an ice skater, so a little athletic in that aspect. After the local competitions were over (I won 1st place by the way, one of my few accomplishments I can brag about I guess) I went to visit my grandmother in Florida. At the end of the summer upon my return home via Eastern Airline (I STILL remember this moment like it was yesterday) I was getting off the place in Atlanta and as I entered the gate where parents were waiting for me and my mother yelled, "Donna Jean, your a little butter ball" This was the very first thing I heard before my family even got to me. I don't remember the ride home, I don't remember much else of that trip EXCEPT THOSE WORDS when I saw them. Burned in my brain is that moment as if it happened just yesterday and that is when I knew my size was different and it was an issue for me from then on. Mom always was telling people how she had to shop in the 'pretty plus' section of the store. Anybody else remember that term from the 80's. I believe it was Sears or JCP who had "Pretty Plus" Regardless, it was always an issue finding clothes for me apparently.
When I look back at the few pictures I have, I don't SEE it but I remember hearing all about it and the rest of my life I looked at all the other girls (and my 3 younger sisters) and thought, "why me" why did I have to be the one with a weight problem.
My mother was always good about pointing out the areas we need to disguise through our clothing or comparing features. I HATE that about myself. I hate that I compare parts of my body to others and WISH! Moms, if I can tell you one thing NOT to do to your daughters is DON'T EVER compare them to anyone else. Never make them feel as if a part of their body is inferior to anyone else's. Even if they do need to eat healthier then do it loving as a family while telling them how beautiful they are and how special they are. What you tell them now will live with them the rest of their lives. If you get nothing out of all I have written thus far please take this, because my heart breaks for so many who feel less than they are worth because of this one thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment