So this is a part of my history that I feel plays a HUGE part in how severe my food addiction & binging has become. It's a recent part of my past that while I feel is key to a lot, it still so very hard to talk about there is so much to tell. So I will do my best to give you as many details as possible without being long winded.
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| Me in my sister's wedding in a dress that I could barely fit. |
Quick Weight Loss Center weighed me in at 261 lbs my highest weight yet, they helped me get started and right away I began loosing weight.
From Feb '09 to Sep, just 7 short months I went from 261 to 157 I dropped approx. 104 lbs. AMAZING Right?
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| Almost to my goal, finally able to tuck in a shirt |
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| My lowest weight yet, 153 lbs, Dec. '09 wearing my favorite size 10 jeans. Who would have every thought...not me! |
Everyone was in awe! How did you do it? You look great! Tell me your secret. It came off fast, I NEVER cheated and I felt like I was in control. I still felt like the 261 lb woman, I would catch my reflection when I was out and about and I didn't recognize myself, I would just look and think, is that really me? There were so many features of my body that I didn't realize were there hidden under all the weight. The neatest thing I remember was how my body felt when I would walk. I know it's crazy but when I didn't have all the weight on my joints, as I would walk I could feel my the specific movement of my legs, my hips and they would move, it's hard to describe but it was like I was AWARE of how my joints worked in order to help me walk. Plus the pain from my Plantar Faciitis was completely gone!
Its a feeling I long to feel again.
That year my husband & I's anniversary was in May but we didn't do anything special, we saved all year and had a cruise planned for Sept. it was going to be a celebration vacation. For (1) our anniversary and (2) my successful weight loss. We even splurged for this cruise and had a cabin w/ a corner balcony on the back of the ship. It was going to be a week to remember. Our cruise ship departed Sept. 17 on a Saturday, excitement was in the air and for the first time in my life I was Ble to wear cute summer outfits and I had a RED ball gown for formal night (I had ALWAYS wanted a red dress). Monday Sept. 19 our boat was docked at an island port, in the early afternoon both my husband and I had missed calls on our cell phone from our oldest daughter (14 at the time). We didn't think much of it, maybe the little one (4 yr old) had tried to call us or something. The afternoon went on and it came time for dinner. We were sitting at a large round table in the formal dining room w/ the rest of my family who also were on this trip, my mother & step-dad, 2 of my 3 sisters and their husbands along with their children (we had left our girls w/ their grandmother for this trip). Toward the end of the meal the waiter came to our table and said I had a phone call. I went to the matre'd stand and he told me it Was an emergency phone cll from land, we needed to go to the pursers desk immediately. I went back to the table to get my husband Max and we left. The walk to the pursers desk was practically T the other end of the ship, it seems like we walked for ever. The entered time my mind was running through all the scenarios of what could of happened, by the time we reached the purser's desk I was in tears. Max took the phone and I tried to listen but it was so hard to put together, all I could make out was his repeated question, "are the girls ok"' "are the girls hurt", "ARE THE GIRLS OK??"
When he finally hung up he turned to me with the most bewildered look in his eyes, "our house is gone, there was a flood and everything is under water". We couldn't comprehend the magnitude of what had happened, we just knew that our 14 yr old had to be recused from our home but she was now together with our youngest and they were out of harm's way. All I could think about was my girls needing us. My daughter bring scared as the water came in and I was so far away. It was out worst nightmare thus far, our children NEEDED us and we were not there for them. I felt so hopeless in the middle of the ocean. Our first instinct was to rush right home but that was not an option. We had taking this trip with ony our birth certificates. To fly home we would need passports. So we could do nothing but WAIT, yes wait until the boat returned on Saturday, it was only Monday. I think back to all the DIFFERENT things my family said to me, so kind, others not so much. I won't dwell on either as there is a lot of resentment there, but one thing my mother said was, "it's only material possessions, just don't worry about it, enjoy your vacation & don't want to waste the trip". Now maybe those are not the EXACT words but that was the gist of it and it was said a few times. But I'm sorry,it wasn't about the possessions, it was more than that, she didn't get it and that wasn't the LAST time insensitive things were said or done.
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| Our ranch home after the water started to recede. At it's highest it was just over 6 feet deep, covering the car and to the top pane of the windows. |
That week on the ship was a roller coaster of emotions. At times I would just sit and start crying, thinking about what was going on. Not knowing anything and just wondering what as happening. Where are our girls? Do they feel safe now? How scared are they? While on the ship we would watch CNN of the reporting of the Flood of 2009 her in Atlanta. We were trying to gather any and all info we could. We didn't live in a flood zone, I mean Six Flags over Ga. was under water for goodness sake, the city was in a crisis and we were hundreds of miles away and couldn't do anything! At one point we were watching CNN & we saw video of a flooded neighborhood with people pushing a boat down the middle of the road, there were possessions in their boat and the water was to their neck. We looked and realized it was OUR neighborhood. When we got home we found out it was our nephew with one of his friends bring our scrapbooks out of our home, they had been totally submerged and they dug under the water to get them for us. By Wednesday, Sep.21 our family (my youngest sister & father) who were still in town were able to take pictures of our home (like the one above) and email them my brother-in-law who was with us on the ship. We went to the Internet cafe on the ship to view them and I just broke down. It was at that moment we realized the devastation waiting for us when we returned.
The next 3 months we more than we had ever imagined we would have to deal with.
I could relay experience after experience. Some so upsetting I don't wish to relive in order to tell you about them, some so uplifting and encouraging that those are the ones that helped us hold it together and get through it all. We lived with my baby sis during this time which was an hour away, we had NO insurance so we relied on what little FEMA would give us and all the repair work was done by volunteers. 3 weeks after the flood I was schedule to have major surgery. I had found out earlier that summer that I had the early stages of cervical cancer and that a hysterectomy was necessary. So during the rebuilding process I was laid up in bed trying to recover why hubby worked at his secular job during the day and every evening would go to our home to do work. On the weekend we had droves of volunteers from the Disaster Relief Committee set up at the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. They had people there round the clock providing meals for the workers & those displaced plus so many items had been donated that there was a place we could go for clothing, toiletries and such because well, we had nothing.
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| Volunteers helping Living Room Dining Room Kitchen Master Bedroom |
So at a time in my life when I should have been celebrating a wonderful success of weigh loss and learning to make a new lifestyle of keeping the weight off, we were trying to rebuild our lives from scratch and I was trying to heal from major surgery (which had me on a VERY odd diet). I went to eating whatever was provided by the volunteers, fast food & eating out. I still tried my best and did OK for a little while, but slowly by the spring time I started to see a little weight come back on. By May 2010 (which was our 10 yr anniversary) I'm not sure how much weight I had put back on but I remember that my size 10's did not fit and I was wearing 12/14. So it didn't take long.
I remember thinking back when I had almost reached my goal weight that I was fixed. I remember thinking, "Oh, all the weight is gone, my problems are gone. I'm no longer over weight, all better" but couldn't have been farther from the truth. I had NO CLUE what I really had done and what I needed to do.
I WISH now I had appreciated where I was. I wish I knew then what I know now and had taken steps to understand my mindset and worked to keep it all off. Life is full of should of's isn't it? My diet was so strict I rarely exercised during the loss. Just walking and at home work out DVDs was about it. Since all this happened, the stress of everything and all that we have had to endure up to now, those behaviors I had before have just ballooned into my food addiction and all that it had burdened me with. So this time around the weight is coming off more slowly. My diet is not as strict, it allows me to make mistake and come back from them. My exercise is a part of this journey from the beginning and I honestly feel that THIS TIME I will thoroughly appreciate all the hard work I put into is and NEVER take for granted again how far I have come.
So that is the story of my previous BIG weight loss and probably one of the biggest tragedy that I have gone through that I think really has affected me. Oh sure, I have other issues that stem back to my younger years, things that I experienced back when I was growing up that are the true root of my emotional eating disorder and turning to food for comfort, but those things are just more pieces to this ugly puzzle. This that I have just shared with you is a part that I almost have to NOT think about in order to move forward. There are so many other things that I experienced during that 3 month period that I still hold onto, have resentment about and cry & get angry about, but some things are just too painful to talk about. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about them but for now, this is the most I can muster up the courage to talk about. I hope this helps you understand me a little more and know that ALL of us have had to endure and go through some sort of tragedy that will leave it's mark on us for the rest of our lives. It's up to us if we are going to just let it be what holds us back or be a part of what makes us stronger. We decide for ourselves which way we are going to go. Let's choose together to be stronger!
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