The 6 Week Milestone

6 WEEKS !!  WooHoo !!  

     Well it has been a few days since I posted, my last one was really hard to put out there and my bad day has had it's residual effects.  I took the weekend to just decompress.  I had been go, go, going so much with work, training, trying to get trained on a small work-from-home PT gig to help with the money situation and I think it all just took a toll on me.  So I literally did NOTHING on Saturday (didn't even get dressed) and my brained needed it.

     So Monday rolled around and I said, "get right back on that horse".  It's not like I really "fell off" so to speak but I just lost my 'Umph"  you know.  I have not been able to stick to any sort of 'diet' plan (yeah I said the D word but only for description sake, we ALL KNOW this is a lifestyle) for more than 2 weeks so to make it to the 6 week mark is a big deal. Monday night was boot camp and I have some great pictures from that. It was a great workout, my chest was on FIRE from the intense Thunder/Lightening round on the elliptical. Then we went to floor work where we worked our chest, arms & abs.  What a great workout, it's Wednesday and my abs are still feeling it!

Here we are all doing "6 inches" which means we have to lift our legs 6 in. off the ground while touching our neighbors feet and hold it.

Believe me it was a lot harder than it looks!

We all have 25 lb weights in our hands and we
would lift them for 60 seconds THEN hold
them up while we lifted and lowered our legs.

THIS is what got to my abs!

Lastly just a close up of me while lifting the weight, yeah I know it's a little blurry BUT I
was movin' to get the reps in !

My arms were feeling it!

All in all it was a good day. 

I still have this weird nagging in the back of my mind.

Not sure what it is but I need to stay positive and start focusing on the big picture and my goal that is just around the corner. Oh yeah, which brings me to a subject I need some help with.  All my life I would reward myself with dinner, ice cream stuff like that.  

Well I need to find some new rewards, things that would be fun and really help me feel special for reaching a milestone. 

What I want is for YOU GUYS to help pick my rewards.  So please comment below what you think would be a good reward at different milestones.  

So here are my results after 6 weeks:

Start Weight:  292.4                Current: 270.4

22 pounds gone !

I shared my inches in the last post but just in case:

Arms: 19 in                  17.5 in
Chest: 53 in                     49 in

Waist: 50 in                     45 in

Hips: 60 in                   57.5 in

Thigh: 34 in                    33 in

14 inches gone !

My first goal was to loose 25 lbs, that goal is just around the corner. I would have loved to have done that in 6 weeks but I had not thought that originally so I am not going to stress.

So:

Goal #1:  Loose 25 lbs.                    Get a pedicure!

Now many of you will say, "what that is not much of a reward, I get those all the time". Well funds have been VERY tight for our family and I haven't had one in almost 2 years. Yep I said it, my little piggies need some tending and I am only 3 lbs away from a pampering day. So I can't wait for that.

I have no other goals other than the obvious weight milestones, so can y'all help me please!!!

I knew this day would come........

As women we are our worst critics.

But I don't think yesterday was about criticism. Yesterday was
just not going to be a good one. When I woke up I just felt wrong. I felt like something was out of place or undone. I I got up & got dressed I could sense a drag to my feet that is usually not there. I had felt this feeling before and I knew it meant a day of sadness BUT maybe I was just still groggy and sleepy. Before I went downstairs i went over to my dresser and pulled out my measuring tape. I thought "let's just see if there is an inch difference". So I proceeded to enter all my measurements into the app & when I was done I compared them to my initial entry 5 1/2 weeks ago:      

                       Waist: 5 in. lost

                      Arm:  1.5 in. lost

                      Chest: 4 in. lost

                      Thigh: 1 in. Lost

                       Hips: 2.5 in. Lost.           

                          Total Inches:     14 inches Gone!

I should have been ecstatic. Right?  But as I put the measuring tape away and picked up my phone all I could think about is "Why don't I See it?". I have been really working hard to avoid the emotional eating binges, trying to work out with my mew trainer, stay upbeat and positive so I didn't have a lapse so why can't I look in the mirror and go "lookin' good"?

     I knew from the beginning that I would have to loose AT LEAST 25 lbs before I would notice it in my clothes. When you are almost 300 lbs loosing 5 lbs, while great, does not show up on you like it does on a 150 lb person. I KNOW THIS! So why am I beating myself up???  BECAUSE that is what we do to ourselves ladies. We beat ourselves up for is WE KNOW we have no control over OR for things we know we shouldn't plain and simple. 

      So I walked downstairs to make my breakfast. Realizing I was beginning a rough day in the back of my mind I was still going to continue with my daily routine. I made my green protein smoothie as I was on Day 5 of Detox and filled my water bottle, grabbed my multi vitamin & cleanse pills and headed to the table. Apparently I had not screwed the lid on my red water bottle and the bottle dropped off and 28 oz. of fresh cold filtered water HIT the floor and went everywhere!  Of course, it was now physically going to be a bad day. I rushed to clean up the water, filled it again, SCREWED on the lid and tried again to sit down. I checked email, surfed a little on the net and before I knew it it was time to leave for work. 

     I I drove to work at the gym I sat quietly in the car, face drooping due to the overwhelming sense of sadness that was covering me like a warm wet blanket and started to cry. I DON'T KNOW WHY I just started. There it is, a true sign that my emotions were going to show me who was boss today. I was able to compose myself before clocking in and after a few minutes of talking to my co-worker she could tell I was not my usual self. I tried to tell her a little about my morning between gym clients coming in and I told her how I had taken my measurements that morning. She was nothing but upbeat and positive and encouraging. She even said when she saw me at boot camp on Monday she could see a difference in my body & that my face was starting to thin a little. I just smiled and agreed with her that I have to look at the big picture, blah blah blah!  

     Does anyone else know what I am talking about? When you are having one of THOSE days, it doesn't matter how many positive words you hear, sometimes, depending on how bad the depression is that day, you can not hear it. It's like the teacher on those Charlie Brown

cartoons.....you know?
     It's for that reason alone I HATE my emotions at times. it's like they won't allow me to be happy or smile or laugh or even look in the bright side. 

     But I must power on. I went through my shift but was low and dragging. Still ate my healthy snack. Went home and had my healthy lunch. One thing I could say is at least I wasn't derailing, just low on the tracks. I wish I could say more but my afternoon was uneventful!  

   
     Dinner time finally came and I made my green smoothie and spaghetti for the family. Hubby was going to be home late so he would not be eating.  DO YOU KNOW what the first thing I though when he told me that?? There will be extra spaghetti!  Really???  I made myself my NutriSystem Spaghetti so why would I care, but that is where my mind went. I saw it coming. I had stayed away all day and now I was starting to test the waters. No Donna! No Donna? Just eat your portion.  Well after making the girls plates I looked at theirs and thought, I will just add a little to mine (I had had this meal before, it didn't taste as good as mine did)  and so I did.  It was probably a tablespoon scoop I added, nothing crazy, and I ate my dinner.  The evening went on for another hour and then the family left but I stayed home that night.  I was so down still, I had been crying on and off. I had no desire to get dressed to go out for our Thursday meeting no did I want to face anyone or try to smile and hide it today like I have done sooooo many times.  I was just not feeling it.

    But staying home alone was a bad decision.  It was really bad.  Not as bad as it has been other times but I stepped off and went to the kitchen, I said to myself, "I WANT SOME CEREAL" and I said it in such a deserving voice like I was making a proclamation! Well all we had was cheerios and Total.  Not really splurge cereals. So I had a bowl of Cheerios w/ my unsweetened Almond Milk.  You know, as I type this out I am thinking to my self, "you are one crazy woman, watch out now", that is not really a splurge food but  fortunately I didn't have any trigger foods in the house and this was the worst I cold find.  Then I finished that bowl (and by the way, I got rid of all my BIG cereal bowls, hubby was not happy, all we have are little modest Corell bowls) and thought, I want another BUT I don't want the same cereal. I remembered seeing a small box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in there and that is what I went for.  Wild woman I know right. Ha! lol

After that, I was done, I don't know WHAT those two bowls of cereal did for me, but this peace came over me, contentment and soothing was what I was feeling the whole time. I put all the cereal boxes back just like they were so no one would notice they had been tampered with and washed my bowl & spoon.  

I carried the laundry upstairs, took a shower and went to bed.  The whole time thinking,

                      

Changing my Mindset.........will Detox help?

Happy Monday everyone!

I hope you all day a wonderful weekend.  Mine was busy, nothing out of the ordinary I guess and as I sit here to tell you I have to stop and think....what DID I do Saturday??? (the mind is a terrible thing to waste, lol)

Oh yeah, I took the trip to Smyrna to The Vitamin Shoppe to get my Detox supplies. Duh, the one things I came on here to tell you about and I forgot the trip.  So silly huh.  But I did have some major accomplisments this weekend that I think were big hurdles for me.

A quick history lesson about me.  I am Italian. Yep, there is some Polish mixed in but there is no doubt the Italian is running through my veins.  Well I love to eat, pasta is a favorite of mine but really I love all food. But what is more of a detriment to me is I love to eat when friends gather.  Ok, so who doesn't right? But I mean to the point that, well, FOOD is the celebratory part of the gathering.  Even the smallest occasion my mind is going, what will we eat. Actually, my mind does that for so many things, vacations, road trips, mall trips, ANYWAY, you get the point.  Food IS the event. It's what I think of when I want to reward myself, to have fun, to rejoice, to snuggle up, to relax.

I WANT TO CHANGE MY THINKING............CHANGE MY MIND!

I want to look for other things as a reward and learn to enjoy the moment with friends, the scenery of the road trip, shopping without a venti, double chocolate, extra whip, latte!  And to do that means one event or road trip AT A TIME, the whole time focusing on the fun, not the food.

Well I may have had my first successful step this weekend. I was invited to a friends house Saturday evening for dinner. I asked her if I could bring anything and she said we have chicken, potato salad, baked beans, etc (cook out food) she said you can make the beans or maybe a salad.

As soon as I heard that I JUMPED on that word. I said, can I PLEASE make the salad since I am trying to be good and stick to my plan? She said sure.  So I went to my local Aldi, bought a bunch of veggies and came home and chopped away, I had a huge dish (I wish I had taken a picture because it was beautiful) of all kinds of fresh veggies ready to go on a salad.  Then I asked one more question, "Is the chicken fried or baked/grilled?"  She said she had both.  So I knew I was in the clear!  The evening went well, we had lots of fun, laughed and ate.  I made a big bed of greens, topped it with rotisserie chicken and LOTS of vegetables.  Then the taco dip came out, then a cake.  I took a long whiff of the dip, it smelled soo good but I said no.  I knew I could not just 'taste' it.  The over to the left I noticed some bright colors.  It was a huge bowl of cut up fruit!

YEAH!!!  I made me a little plate. by the end of the evening I had had 3 of those plates of fresh cut up fruit. Now I know I probably ate more fruit than I should of but I DON'T CARE!  I DIDN'T eat the cake or Popsicles or cheesy taco dip and THAT my friends was a success!

Sunday afternoon was a similar situation, our family was invited to lunch. Spanish style PLUS more.  I thought, there will be nothing there I can eat so I packed a Nutrisystem Rice & beans lunch packet in my cooler along with a big salad full of veggies.  When we got there she needed help cooking the plantains. So my daughter and I helped out. I cooked several batches of twice fried plantains.  They smelled so good and you would see the sweetness caramelize on the crust.  But I did not partake.  It came time to eat, I passed up all the home made fixins' and make my NS lunch, I added a little of the chicken to it and half of my plate was salad. YEP, I did not eat one morsel.  They even had 3 different cakes and a key lime pie. None for me I said. I actually ended up talking with a good friend about my new journey and eating healthy.  All the while snacking on raw veggies.  I triumphed over the event and walked out with out any guilt at all.

I successfully made it through the weekend attending to functions which centered around food, I turned them into a social visit about friends & family and can look back at them with a positive light and not as a setback to restart on Monday.

IT WAS NOT EASY!  I looked and looked and looked and looked at all those foods the whole time going, I can't have that. You don't need that.  Which was difficult but I made it. One day I will see those foods and go, Nah, not for me and never skip a beat!

DETOX

Ok, so about that.  I started on Sunday taking my Cleaner pills that night and then today I started w/ a Protein Greens shake and my pills.  So far it's been find.  I have just had regular trips to the

This morning's green shake
w/ my cleaner pills & a large
glass of water. Also a NS muffin

bathroom, no stomach pains, uncomfortable movements or anything like that. It's like things are starting to get going a bit better.  I will keep you posted as the week goes on but so far so good.

I feel good, I'm not as tired as I usually am at 2pm and I'm about to starting cleaning the house which is TOTALLY not my normal task.  So The Cleaner pills from The Vitamin Shoppe are so far a good choice and I bet in a day or so I will feel even better than I do now!

I also hope too that getting all those toxins and stuff out of my system that it will help with  my cravings.  You know the ones that make you linger in front of the cake or chips or whatever.  Maybe cleaning out my system will help reset my .....  well everything so I can move forward (no pun intended) with even more success! 

Whew! It just got real!

Today was my second one-on-one with Jumaane, the first was my assessment so this one was the plan to get me in shape.  All I have to say is tomorrow my arms will be feeling it!  haha

Let me say that I am so happy with Jumaane. He made sure I had good form (so I didn't hurt myself) before we started any reps.

Then we get started and I can see this is going to be a beautiful relationship!

I would love to tell you all the different areas we worked in the order we did them, but honestly, I can't remember all the technical terms. But here we are working on those ugly arm flaps that hang down when you wave. Ok, I know, I believe the muscles hidden under there are my triceps, but as of the moment, I see no muscle in that area............but if I keep this up it won't be long!

We did intervals too, I would go from machine to a resistance band to work on another muscle area in the arm.  I believe that the short spurts are to help get and keep my heart rate up because ladies ..... we needs the cardio for them hips! (yes I know that my grammar is not proper but I am trying to keep it light without getting to emotional)

When you are working out and pushing yourself, it's CRAZY how the emotions surface and there is that urge to cry. I did that Monday, today I wanted to get MAD!  You will be able to see that in one of my pictures below. 

We used 3 different machines and then used the bar in the end. With the barbell he did the same exercises as me, 

10 reps, 9 reps, 8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1......WE ARE DONE!   

What?? I'm not done?

NOPE, he wanted me to burn at least 150 calories on a cardio machine of my choice.  Well I only had like 15-18 min before I had to leave to get my daughter so I hit the elliptical, cranked up the tunes and did just that. 151 calories in 15.5 min.  Yeah Me!!!!!

So even thought I am posting and keeping you up to date as to what is going on, he is doing the same on his FB page and on Instagram, so if you would like to follow any of his posts and see the other photos that he will put out there and here his reports, please feel free to check out his page and follow along.

DJTTH for his FB fitness page

Mr. DJTTH to follow Jumaane on Instagram

Follow me on Instagram

And of course you can get email updates on my blog by clicking follow or entering your email above.

I will let you know this weekend how I am feeling, but...

....IT JUST GOT REAL !

It's about to get real

Good morning everyone.

Sunrise in Cocoa Beach Fla.

Whew have I had a tiring week so far and it's only Thursday morning.
I am so glad it's only 2 more days until the weekend.  Funny how we say that because if most of you moms, wives or ladies out there are like me, the weekend doesn't really mean rest, there are a butt load of chores, laundry, errands, tasks and the like that have to be accomplished but yet, we still look forward to it. There is just something about Friday night til Sunday that has a bit of "Ahhhhhhhh" that the other days can not provide and regardless of what I have in store, I am looking forward to it?  I would love to hear what you look forward to on the weekends......

So now, what is about to get real?  Well I'll tell you.  As you know Monday was my first initial workout with my new trainer Jumaane and it was boot camp style.  You know there were 6 of us ladies out there, all in approx. the same physical condition (thought I was the newbie) doing our best at a beginners bootcamp and we got a good workout for sure.

Yesterday was my first one-on-one session with Jumaane and it was my fitness assessment, you know to see what I am capable of (or incapable of in my mind). None the less, we proceeded. After a brief warm up on the treadmill to see what my heart rate looked like we did some slight stretching and THEN came my drills. Now ladies don't get scared (because I sure was), it was just to see what I could do.  This was not a TEST or a COMPETITION, but if any of you saw last seasons Biggest Loser where they had the 3 young people on there, remember they had them do as many push ups & sit ups in like 60 seconds, then they came back a couple of months later to see where they were. That was pretty much what this was.   We basically saw what my abilities were. What are my strengths, flexibility, balance, etc. All the while he encouraged me to keep it up he said, don't hurt yourself, do what you can do comfortably.  So I did.   Well NO SURPRISE I have some work to do, but that is what is expected right. I mean I'm currently now 130 lbs overweight and haven't being doing anything other than short 15 min walks, so my muscles need some conditioning.  But NOW he knows what we need to work on. Now come Friday he will have a plan for my first official one-on-one training session which I am sure will be feeling for a couple of days after.  But change is good, not always easy or comfortable but soooo worth it.

My actual bkfst before I tore into it!
I'm hungry in the morning ladies

So I sit here this morning, eating my breakfast which is no special secrete, just well rounded to keep me full and give me energy to take on the day, what are you having?  I have water, hot tea, 1 egg (no butter) on a whole grain english muffin (no butter either) with a 1/4 cup of low fat granola
& 4 oz. of skim milk and I must say I have finished it and feel quite satisfied.  Yes the granola is Nutrisystem but everything else is from my own kitchen.  One of the things I think the Nutrisystem plan is teaching me is portion sizes and I really have an obscure view of that.  Well talk about that later.  Gotta get to the gym (for work not a work out), my kid's room kids will be waiting for me if I'm not there on time, this week we are making Trophies for dad and they LOVE their craft activities!

Make today great and do something, anything, good for you so you feel worth while because we are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. I am still trying to believe that myself but if we tell each other we will start to believe it ourselves!  Muuuaaahhhhh!

As of today.....

Hey everyone, my plan was to get you caught up to date for weeks 3 & 4 regarding my meal plan and weight loss but I want to take a brief moment to say something back. 

I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!

YOUR words have touched me.

Over the last 2 days I have received several emails from some of you saying that my posts touched you, that you were brought to tears, that you were dealing with some of the same things that I have been struggling with and now you know you are not alone.  I have been hiding my binge eating & compulsive overeating for some time and I am finally just saying no more.  I am putting it all out there and over the coming months I plan to open up and get it all out.  I don't know how to fix it but what I do know is if I don't admit it & face it head on and then and only then will WE be able to BEAT these awful habit and create new ones along the way.

PLEASE take this journey with me and let's learn how to conquer what haunts us.

NOW, as I dry my tears I want to just fill you in on my last 2 weeks and my work out today.

Week 2 was tough, even though I had some slip ups (they would have been a LOT worse but I didn't have the foods in the house) I was able to continue on.  We 3 was not very eventful but I had a few times where I ate a few more slices of light bread, one day I had an extra desert.  One night I ate some of the rice the family was eating. Now I know these things don't seem like much but it is only because the food wasn't in the house.  So if that is one of my tips to take away it's: DON'T HAVE THE TRIGGER FOODS IN THE HOUSE!

That is really what saved me the last couple of weeks cause I have had some moments when I just looked and didn't see something to splurge on. Also, I try to make sure I am not alone.

I love to be alone to eat.  I DON'T LIKE to eat in front of others, ESPECIALLY my family. So making sure I have someone around me to keep me accountable has also helped.

I know these things sound sort of juvenile but I'm sorry, this is what I have to deal with. I have to admit these things in order to face them and fix them. Don't you agree?

So after all these trials and bumps, at the ends of weeks 3 & 4, I have lost a total of 17.8 lbs.

My dinner tonight,
Ravioli w/ meat sauce & broccoli

In the 4 weeks of being on NutriSystem I was able to just focus on my emotions & triggers and NS allowed me to not have to think too much about what to make for my meals, just choose what I was in the mood for.  Waiting a month before I added in the exercise I feel was a smart move because it allowed me to get the hang of the eating plan so going forward I can continue to focus on my emotions which (as I saw in my first workout) will start to surface.

my machine just to prove I was there

Now here is something else I did, I decided that after a great first workout with my trainer, I would take this little boost of energy and I went to the gym tonight. But only for a little cardio.  I know that when you have had a really strenuous workout where strength training is involved you WILL be sore & tight the next day.  So I felt like if I went for a little bit of cardio it would keep me loose and my muscles moving so they wouldn't hurt AS MUCH as they would if I just sat and rested. Well I went and I was there for about 45 min, I burned over 300 calories on the elliptical & went for about 10 min. on the treadmill.  My heart rate was up and I felt good.


I am glad that I went and now I can look forward to work out #2 with my trainer Jumaane.  This has already been a stronger experience than I could have imagined. I see a movement starting & I hope that with each post I can see myself heal and I hope that we can figure it out together. I am totally beat, worn out and tired.  It's time for a shower & B-E-D, see you all late because I am going to crash, good night!

My job is lending a hand! ~~UPDATED~~

Now here is a little irony for you, it's where I work.

I work every day for 4 hours per day, what do I do, I watch other's people children..................while they work out! 

Yep, you read that right, I work at a gym.  It's a local fitness club that has a small kid's room in the back. So on top of everything else that I have to deal with, every day there is a little extra guilt eating away at me as I see moms & dads faithfully show up, sweet little one's in toe, to give it a go so to speak and live a healthier lifestyle.  I wish them "have a great workout" as they sign them in  and after, t-shirts wet, face glistening with sweat, some out of breath as they came straight back off the treadmill, with a smile on my face and wondering if they are thinking, 'why isn't she doing this'. 

I have worked here for just over a year and not only have I not taken advantage of my FREE membership, I have continued to gain weight, BUT not any more.  

If you have been reading my posts so far you know I have now been on my eating plan for 4 weeks, I am starting to get the hang of it but I still have a LOT to learn.  But something really great happened last week and I want to share it with you.

The manager of the club came to me, pulled me aside and asked, "would you be interested in working with one of our trainers, doing before and after pictures and posting your updates on Facebook?"  Now, they were NOT aware of my recent interactions with Extreme Weight Loss. I didn't say anything to anyone really, just a few close friends.  He said he was thinking of challenging one of his trainers to work with me but didn't want to say anything unless I was willing to participate.  I figured, if I was willing to go on national TV and put it all out there, why not here in my local community.  So I said sure, I would do it.

A couple days went by and then one of the trainers, Jumaane, came up to me and said I hear I am going to start working with you. I said yes (a little shy because I feel weird when anyone just does something for me. I have NO money to pay a trainer and I didn't want to seem like a burden)  He got my number from me and said he would look over his schedule and me check mine and we would make a plan.  

Jumaane - My new trainer

Here is my trainer Jumaane, doesn't he look like a nice guy 

(which usually means he is gonna kick my butt in the gym - 

it always seems like the nice ones are the ones that surprise you)

So last Friday after work I decided to give the elliptical a go, even though my  heel was hurting and my knee was sore I was able to get through a 28 min weight loss program.  When I was done he motioned for me to come over to the desk.   I walked over and we sat down and looked at the schedule.  The plan is for me to work out with him 3x per week. Monday night is bootcamp style, then the 2 other days are one-on-one.  I will update and let you know how the first one goes, I am so nervous!!!!



Well, the first Boot Camp workout is over. I shouldn't have been nervous. At least not for the reasons I was thinking.  He ran a great boot camp and if I hadn't been such an out of shape weakling I probably wouldn't not have broken down into tear during it.  I don't know what happened but the particular exercise was so hard for me and I was doing an awful job at it and well, I just started crying.  We started off with some slow jogging laps that I of course was the last to come around for.  I tried I really did and I made it through the entire work out and I guess that is what counts right??  I just have to tell myself, I made it through it and I'm still alive.  Afterward I was soooo hot, my face was sooo red from getting so hot and I was tired.  But late that evening is when the real exhaustion came on. I could barely eat my dinner,it was all I could do to go up my stairs when I got home.
I practically crawled up my stairs to get a shower and then I lied down.  That was it for the rest of the evening/night.

June 10-My first workout,
Even though my face was so red from the workout,
I managed to smile & give a 'thumbs up' for the camera

This morning my feet are in terrible pain.  I am barely walking but I knew this would be the case until I get some of this weight off.  As I sit here and think about it, the workout was not that intense, it was a beginners boot camp but that is how out of shape I am.  But strangely enough, as tired & achy as I feel this morning, I am ready to do it again.  Now THAT just doesn't add up!




Regardless of how I feel, I have to push on. I keep telling myself that if I was willing to live on the Biggest Loser Ranch or go one-on-one with Chris Powell than I can stick this out too. I have to. It's do or die for me now. I can't let my weight get over 300. I can't let my knees go out to where I am in a wheelchair. I can't let my family down. I can't let my new partner Jumaane down (I don't want him to think it was a waste of his time) I can't let my husband down (I pinky promised he would get his Anniversary Gift next year)  So there is so much riding on all this that well, I have to make it work.  You know what, I need to stop, I am stressing myself out.  For me now, it's one day at a time & one meal at a time.  Together, You, Me & everyone else will make this happen!

Before Photos & when it all started.

     So there is a lot to explain about me and yet I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg about what I think makes me EAT.  But I am not some lady with a warped sense of how my body looks. I am not going "oh I'm so fat,  my size 6 jeans are too tight and I need to loose 15 lbs"  I only WISH that was my problem.  No, I am for real, I wear a size 24 and need to loose half my body weight. So this is not joke for me at all.  So without further adieu, here are my before pictures of me at 292 lbs.  These are the exact ones I sent to Extreme Weight Loss only a month ago, no touching up or anything (not that it would help)  I can't believe I am putting these out there but if I was willing to go on a national TV show then I can't be scared now:

So here I am in all my glory, not pleased with these photos at all. As I look at them I cry as what I have become.  But it's not only how I look, it's how I feel.  I have been heavy all my life and after my 2 pregnancies I was my highest at 255 w/ my first in 1995 and 271 after  my second in 2004.  But even then I did not FEEL as bad as I do now. I have severe back pain, I have a bulging disk at my L5 (I believe) which is pressing on my Sciatic Nerve, the pain is just too much some days, I start my day off with Aleve & ibuprofen every morning.  Then to my knees.  Last year around September is when the left knee started, it would just grind when I would bend or go up & down the stairs. It was mostly the sound but after about 4 months the sound started hurting.  Then about 3 months ago in March the right knee started it's own noise, it's like I was creating my own rhythm as I take the stairs, now the pain along with the noise. No let up.  It's the kind of pain that it hurts but doesn't stop me in my tracks....yet.  Of course I am just tired all the time, no energy and become exhausted very easily when any exertion is done.  For sure being this heavy later in life is much harder on my body than it was just 5 years ago.

My first 'big' picture (we will NOT use the 'F' word here) was when I was only 7 yrs old.  It was 1981, I had just finished spending the summer with my Italian grandmother (who I miss dearly) and they flew me back home to Ga. from my hometown of Melbourne Fl.  Now up until then I was a normal fit little girl. Very average in size and was even an ice skater, so a little athletic in that aspect.  After the local competitions were over (I won 1st place by the way, one of my few accomplishments I can brag about I guess) I went to visit my grandmother in Florida.  At the end of the summer upon my return home via Eastern Airline (I STILL remember this moment like it was yesterday) I was getting off the place in Atlanta and as I entered the gate where parents were waiting for me and my mother yelled, "Donna Jean, your a little butter ball"  This was the very first thing I heard before my family even got to me. I don't remember the ride home, I don't remember much else of that trip EXCEPT THOSE WORDS when I saw them. Burned in my brain is that moment as if it happened just yesterday and that is when I knew my size was different and it was an issue for me from then on.  Mom always was telling people how she had to shop in the 'pretty plus' section of  the store. Anybody else remember that term from the 80's. I believe it was Sears or JCP who had "Pretty Plus"  Regardless, it was always an issue finding clothes for me apparently.
When I look back at the few pictures I have, I don't SEE it but I remember hearing all about it and the rest of my life I looked at all the other girls (and my 3 younger sisters) and thought, "why me" why did I have to be the one with a weight problem.

My mother was always good about pointing out the areas we need to disguise through our clothing or comparing features. I HATE that about myself. I hate that I compare parts of my body to others and WISH!  Moms, if I can tell you one thing NOT to do to your daughters is DON'T EVER compare them to anyone else. Never make them feel as if a part of their body is inferior to anyone else's. Even if they do need to eat healthier then do it loving as a family while telling them how beautiful they are and how special they are.  What you tell them now will live with them the rest of their lives.  If you get nothing out of all I have written thus far please take this, because my heart breaks for so many who feel less than they are worth because of this one thing.

Let's Get Caught Up to Date......Weeks 1 & 2

Good morning, it's an average Thursday morning. I got up before the alarm because I love when the house is quiet and I can sit and sip my tea, listen to the news and check email, I think it's my favorite time of the day.  Just so peaceful and soothing.

I want to apologize for a moment really quick too, I know this blog is probably not the most 'chronological' for events.  As I go forward more of my history will come out, but I've started & stopped it so many times thinking it would be a waste of time and then also that it would not be 'perfect', that it wouldn't read well......BUT I have to go with m y gut and do it. I'm not a professional blogger or writer, I'm just a woman who is tired of being left out.  At least that is how I feel. I always "miss the bus" for opportunities and I'm tired of that, so I am creating my own.

I feel like a fighter, lord knows my family and I have had our fair share of trials that we have fought through and are still here together and moving forward, but I also feel like there is a true

fighter inside of  me just dying to break out, one who knows what she wants and INSTEAD of hoping and waiting for it to come to her SHE GOES AND GETS IT.  Yeah I said that, pretty cheesy huh. But I feel like it's in me BUT......she is so weak. SOOOO many other things are able to knock her down and stand up instead:  the kids, the husband, feeling tired, chips & salsa, Mexican food, ice cream......OK I gotta STOP this (I'm gonna start a craving if I don't) Sip my tea Donna, just sip my tea.

See, I've already gotten off track with today's post, I started this morning to get you up to day as to where I am right now. So I started my new quest on Tuesday May 14, 2013. I set up all my pre-packaged foods into groups, (breakfast, lunch, dinner & snacks) and had my extras for additions; skim milk, non-fat yogurt, fresh veggies and one of my favorites, HUMMUS!

So starting out on that Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale and cried. I was at my official highest I have ever weighed, 292.4 lbs.  Really, is that what I have allowed my body to become. Is that what I have done to this body, this gift of life???  This is too much to take in, I feel defeated before I even start.  But this year is about CHANGING they way I think, I obviously need to do things differently so suck it up Donna and move on.  So here is a quick snap shot;

Current weight:   292.4 lbs

My goal weight:   145 lbs

My Height:   5' 4" tall

Total pounds to loose: 147 lbs

Will I be able to do this in 1 year all on my own, and "on my own" I mean with out the Biggest Loser team or Chris Powell at my side? I don't know, I have tried & fails SO MANY TIMES and also lost and gained it back every time that at this moment I fear it will be just another one of those times, but if I don't start I can't finish and I am MAD AS HECK that I wasn't chosen to be on the show, so I am going to turn that anger into fuel to prove that I was worth it.

Week 1:  It went well, I was surprisingly happy to know that the pre-packaged foods tasted really good (I'm not going to lie I was really worried despite what people said on the message boards) If you don't like the food you are eating you will not stick to it.  I followed it to the 'T', even adding in  the additional 'smart carbs' and 'power fuels' to my daily intake because I have over 100 lbs to loose.  Results: Monday May 20, just 6 days after I started, I stepped on the scale to see if what I had done all week worked:

282.2 lbs

I lost 10.2 lbs!!!!!!  I can't believe it, I was so happy and in that exact moment my head kicks in. You always loose a lot the first week. It's probably mostly water cause you ate out all the weekend prior because of you anniversary and this week you cut back on the sodium, blah blah blah blah.

Then hubby tells me to stop. Who CARES what it was or why it was. REGARDLESS, the SCALE says it all, 6 days later, regardless of the reason(s) I am 10.2 lbs lighter.  So I just try to focus on the positive, I did something right and clearly I am headed in the right direction.  But to be honest, the entire day there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me all these little excuses as to why the 10.2 lbs isn't really a big deal, a real accomplishment.  But I still tell my co-workers & my friends and they are happy for me.....so why can't I be happy for me ? Why won't I allow  myself to be proud of myself. I DON'T KNOW!  But I have to push on.

Over the last 2 years I have not been able to stay on a diet or "eat healthy" for more than 2 weeks. So that is another negative talk that keeps jumping up in front of me.  WHY am I trying to kill my progress so quickly? These are the things I don't understand and I don't know how to work through it.  This is the main reason I wanted help, I asked for help, I begged for help. BUT.....

Week 2: May 27 I step on the scale and what did the second week produce:

279.8 lbs

OK, so not as great as week 1, but if you have ever watched the BL then you know that the week after loosing a lot of weight your body rebounds and you don't loose quite as much. Also, I had a bad day, a really bad day on the 20th. Yeah I know, on the same day I found out I lost 10.2 lbs.  But for some reason that day as it went on I started having a bad day emotionally. At the time I didn't know why or what was causing it all I know is that I ended up going 'off plan' and I binged. Fortunately there wasn't a lot of junk food in the house so I ate only what I could find. A block of cream cheese, little by little on bread. A big bowl of plain Cheerios. About 3 or 4 mini candy bars (I would have eaten more but I have learned to only eat what won't be noticed), there were a couple of other items but now I can't remember them. They were not the most terrible but by now my total calorie count is WAY more than it should have been. Is this was caused me to only loose 2.4 lbs, I don't know.  It was hard to recover from that day. the following 2 days by the end of the day a part of me wanted to really just BLOW the whole thing but I knew I couldn't, there was no turning back. So at my afternoon snack and/or dinner I had some extras I probably shouldn't have but I still ate my foods.  I guess you could say that these binge moments this week, compared to my past miss-behaviors was tame but only cause I didn't have the foods in the house.

So my take away from weeks 1 & 2 and my advice would be this:

1: JUST START, you can't finish if you don't start. You will make mistakes and if you are like me, a perfectionist when dieting, just take those mistakes and keep going. You know you will make them so don't get made, just make it and get right back on. AND

2: DON'T HAVE THE CRAP IN THE HOUSE!  That really has saved me.  If it had been in the house I would have eaten it during those weak moments (and believe me, I have had PLENTY of them) but when you do "The Scout" where you open the fridge or pantry and are looking for who knows what, if you don't see it you won't eat it.  And since it took so long to find something BECAUSE my normal go to foods were not there, I was able to think "What am I doing" and walk away.  Don't worry I did come back about 15 min later to do the "The Scout" again but still, those foods were not there so I found something else to do.  

So for 2 weeks I have lost 12.6 lbs which on the whole is not so bad.  I still think about how much better I could have done had I not slipped BUT I made it two week and now I must move on.  Let go of the perfectionism and when I fall get back up.  That is sooooo much harder to do than say. But I am going to give it a try.

THE Anniversary Gift!

My husband is always great about our anniversary, he never forgets and always gets me more than 1 gift.  I usually get a series of gifts, a couple of items I need and then something just for me.  He never really asks for anything in particular and well, he gets his own gadgets and what not so to buy for him is not always easy.  HOWEVER, for the first time ever, for our 12th he actually asked me for something.  But let me give you a quick history on the item.

These are not the actual jeans

A few years ago we  were walking through the mall and I looked in to a store and there was this adorable pair of jeans on a mannequin that was just too cute. Let me try to describe them, they had large contrast stitching, gem embellishments on the button and back pockets and such a cute design to boot. But also due to their cut they hugged the curves of that mannequin quite well!  I had gone into that store SEVERAL times to look at them. They NEVER went on sale and because they were in junior sizes they started at 0 and went to a 13/14 which we all know is a 12 in the land of real woman. Either way, I could not fit them.  I was wearing approx. a 16-18 size jeans at the time and well, I couldn't see spending $50 for a pair of jeans I couldn't wear.

One day on one of our strolling trips to the mall we again peers into the window of the store and they jeans were still on display, I went inside and tried on the largest pair.......barely to my hips.  The sweet husband that I have looks at me and said, "You'll get into them" and he bought them.  So I proudly brought them home and hung them in the closet.  That is where they hung for quite some time.  In my ups & downs in trying to loose I did  get them on at one point, I could not zip them but I barely got them over my hips.  Regardless, they have never been worn out, still have the tags attached and are just waiting for me.

So those are the Jeans and the story behind them. Now how do they connect to THE Anniversary gift?  Well near the end of 2012 hubby mentioned what he wanted for his anniversary present, all he wanted to see me IN those jeans.  That's all he wanted.  Well time kept ticking away and it got closer and closer to our 13yr and there was no way it was going to happen.  I felt sooo bad, I felt like I really let him down. The only time he actually ever asked for something and I wasn't able to give it to him.  The guilt that I have for not being able to deliver that is overwhelming, but I keep it in, I say that I wish I had been able to do it but inside I am sooooo ashamed.

Now our anniversary is May 13, during this time I am still waiting to hear from Extreme Weight Loss and also over the last month I had been doing some research on a popular diet plan that I thought I would try.  I won't give the name as I am not trying to endorse any particular plan but it does offer pre-packaged meals and I felt with my emotional issues of binging & compulsive eating, if I didn't have to worry about what to cook, all I have to do is pick and choose, it would take that element out of my struggle so I could focus on the mental aspect.  I don't know where to begin to work on the emotional elements behind my over eating but I know I have to figure it out.  I NEED help with this part but I don't have it or really know where to go to figure it out.  I just know I have to embrace it and see what happens.

My husband and I had plans for a stay-cation for our anniversary weekend.  Our anniversary day fell on a Monday and my plans were to start my new healthy quest the VERY next day, May 14.
That is just what I did, Tuesday May 14 I started my year long quest to give my husband the ONLY Anniversary Gift he ever asked for and along the way, I plan to figure out how I got this way and learn how to correct the behavior.  So my next post will be all the details of my starting weight, some before pictures and and an update as to where I am so far.

They didn't want me......why?

That's right, they didn't choose me. Who?   I am referring to Biggest Loser & ABC's Extreme Weight Loss.  Yes I resorted to getting the best of the best to help me. But the reason I reach out was not just to loose the weight but because I knew I would get the help with the emotional side of it because I realize that is the part I have not been able to fix. I don't understand it, I don't know what is the root of it nor do I know how to work through it so with their help I felt I would get a well rounded and complete assistance to get the weight off and find out why I was the way I was.

Last year (2012) I went to an open casting call for Biggest Loser, after waiting almost 5 hrs in the hot sun I sat in a room of 14 other people and we was given about 2-3 minutes to introduce ourselves and say why we wanted BL to help us.  I spoke from my heart, how I was the oldest of 4 girls and shorter and heavier than all of them. I had always been, since I was 7 yrs old. I spoke about how I had struggled so long, all kinds of diets and pills and just wanted to learn how get control of my weight and was at my wits end.  After that, they thanked us for coming and I went home. They said if they liked what they saw we would get a call back.  That day they had almost 1000 people show up. I honestly didnt' think I would get a call, why would I.  I had lost all faith in myself, so I lost faith in anything good happening.

That night I was in bed and JUST starting to fall asleep and at 12:03 my phone rings and it was the the Casting director telling me they liked what they heard and wanted me to have a 2nd interview which would be a camera interview.  So I had that interview and did all that they asked afterward, the photos of me through out the year, they video and so forth.  I sent it all in and waited......and waited.....and waited.  I never heard another word back but with much loyalty I still watched that season of The Biggest Loser, the whole time wishing it had been me and wondering why.



Jump forward several months to March 2013 and one night I have a missed call from LA and a
voice mail. It was a lovely lady whom I don't know if I should name but she knows who she is. She was a casting director for ABC saying she came across some recent inquiries of mine from the past (I had written a letter to Chris Powell several years back) and wanted to know if I was still trying to loose weight. If I was she was letting me know that Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition (now called Extreme Weight Loss) was going to be in Atlanta in a few weeks and she wanted me to come to the casting call.  I was on cloud 9!  I emailed her the next day and she replied promptly.  I was given a pass which allowed me to come to the front of the line and all I could think about was "This is it!"  This is my time. It's finally going to happen for me. I will be able to get the help I know I need but am unable to get on my own.

This is Chris Powell, his sincerity
& desire to help others really
spoke to me & I so hoped he would
be the one who could help.

So I attended the casting call.  There were about 10-12 of us in the room but this time we had a little more time to speak. When it came my turn 'she' recognized my name and it made me feel so good. It validated me in that moment that this was real.  After all was done I thanked her so much for calling me as if she hadn't I would had not know of this opportunity.  I proceeded home and before I could arrive (approx. a 30 min drive) I got a call back for the 2nd interview on camera.  Not later that night but within an hour or so.  I was on top of the world. I gathered a recent photo, filled out my application and could think of nothing but my next shot.  The interview went well.  I was able to maintain my composure on camera pretty much, was so nervous even though I said I wasn't.  I felt it went really well but I had a job to do, I needed to make a home video, lots of pictures and such and send it off.  I got right to work BUT it was difficult. My family was not so helpful in making my video. I needed someone to shoot  it for me, I could not do it myself, that was a rule and I had to be in all the shots.  Well the only person who was willing to help was my 8 yr old and as you can imagine she got bored with that quick. So I had to utilize my tripod and still it was just me in the video talking to it cause the tripod could not follow me around.  But I did the best I could and sent it off.

Now I wondered, would I never hear from them again like with BL or is this it?  Well I did get emails back, asking for more pictures, and then some additional footage of my interacting with my family. Well I could only do that w/ my 8 yr old BECAUSE the rest of the family wanted no part.  Did they know how important this was to me? They always tell me how much they want me to be healthy but this was not how they wanted me to do it.  I have my own reasons why I believe they feel that way but the subject was so sensitive it was never easy to discuss so I just avoided it.  But the anger is still inside me.  They they asked for more photos & some additional footage so they could finish editing my video.  Lastly after answering some last questions they felt they had all they needed. Now I don't know about you, but after all that communication I really felt like this was going to happen. There was still my realistic voice in the back of my head saying don't get too worked up but MAN was I hoping it would happen.  The last time I spoke w/ someone on the casting team was in the beginning of May.  Now it was time to just wait.  So I did.  If my phone rang with an out of state number of any kind I would jump on it. Especially if it was Ca. or AZ. (Chris Powell is in AZ)  But nothing.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!

May 23, I was on Facebook and the page for Extreme Weight Loss made this announcement, "Finalists for season 4 have all been notified and confirmed! We thank all of you that auditioned this season!! Best of luck on your continued weight loss journeys!!!"

I was crushed, I had not been chosen, they didn't want me.  Why didn't they want me? What was wrong with me?  Did Chris Powell not like my letter? Was my video just too lame because I didn't have help with it? Why Why Why!!!!!

That night I met a friend to go walking at a local track and prior to her arrived I walked and cried, walked and sobbed, walked and well, felt so let down.  I opened up to my friend about how I was feeling and she said so many encouraging things and one of them that I really liked was take your anger you have and use it to fuel yourself. Prove to them that you can do it regardless.  While that was great to hear I knew I would have to convince myself of it because honestly, I didn't know how to do it.  So what was I going to do????

Who Am I & What is my Deal?

Ok, so who is Donna Krause?  Well normally I would say I am no body. I'm just another woman who is overweight and struggling, looking for the next 'quick fix' for my weight problem.

YES, that is how I would describe myself, isn't awful. My weight defines me. I would describe myself as broken and not worth anyone else's trouble. But when I step back and actually listen to those words, its so sad and pitiful. I don't want to sound like that. I hate to hear other women describe themselves that way so why would I do it to myself?

NOT my favorite picture but....

Even thought I may define myself by my weight and understand now that I shouldn't, it's not an easy thing to do. So much has happened to me in my life. Some would turn their noses up and say what a baby but for me I don't think my troubles and hardships where anything to laugh at. When I sit down and talk it out others tell me 'well I understand why you eat' and for the moment that makes me feel good, it tells me there is a reason for my behavior, but honestly, it's not good behavior.  I think the real challenge, the real struggle, the real hardship is yet to come....its going to be learning how to retrain my thoughts and emotions so that I deal with them in a healthy way and not turn to food.

For SO LONG I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. The secret eating, the quick stops at fast food joints, the binges so uncontrollable until I couldn't eat another bite.  I only started talking about this in the last year (yes I am about to turn 40), actually recognizing that it was something I was doing and admitting I needed help. But guess what I have come to realize, when you have a 'drug' problem, people surround you, want to help you and you are able to REMOVE that drug from your life and live a clean & sober life. When your DRUG is FOOD, people see you totally different. First you can remove all food from your life, you need it. Imagine telling a meth or cocaine addict that they could only have 1 hit a day or something weird like that. (I have NEVER taken any drugs in my life so honestly my knowledge on a 'hit' or whatever is by no means accurate) but if they had to CUT BACK on their usage would they ever be free from the drug? NO  So when you drug is Food, you have to learn HOW to manage it in your life while still 'enjoying' it.  Now just think about that for a minute and see how crazy that actually is.  So that is what I have to learn to do? GREAT! 

So now you know just a little of what my struggles are, I will go into it more later on and I hope you will tell me what you think and share if you are in this with me. I think learning that we are not alone and are NO BROKEN is a huge part of beginning the healing process.

But here are just a few stats on me, my name is Donna Jean (I lost the combo name at about 13 but have always liked it, my sisters called me Deej) I am 39 yrs old, will turn 40 in September. NO shame here! lol  I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man who was actually my first real boyfriend growing up, so nice to know life can make a big circle and you can be with someone who loves you so unconditionally.  I have 2 beautiful daughters, one about to graduate high school and the other in elementary (who I will begin homeschooling next school year).  So our life is quite busy with jobs and schedules and just getting by.

I have so much to tell you, so much to share, I actually don't know where to begin so I will just type and hopefully I will get caught up enough to keep you posted on the day to day of this coming year of finally conquering my eating issues, getting my weight under control and I hope to help someone else along the way because I WISH there had been someone to help me.