My Motto

"When You Take Care of the Inside the Outside Will Follow"

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Back at it again.

     I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post.  So much has happened (and not happened).  One thing that definitely has NOT happened is any success in my weight loss. My struggles continue.  My food addiction continues, I just can't seem to beat it.  I have tried SO MANY times in the last year to "get back on tract" and a couple of times have started well but always end up the same, falling off the wagon and eating whatever I can get my hands on.  (I actually would have brain surgery if it would stop me from thinking about food all the time)  I know my family is disappointed in me though they never say it, but I can tell. I just pretend like I can't.  It's the elephant in the room.  I think if I had never lost the weight before maybe it wouldn't be so awkward but I have and now that it is back and my try/fail record is stacking up, well, it's the subject that everyone wants cleared up but no one wants to address.  I am sure they don't want to hurt my feelings and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I can't bear to discuss it, so I pretend it doesn't exist on the outside while I am dying on the inside.

     So what is new with me right now?  Well I am trying again.  Giving it another go. I think the fact that I keep trying shows there is something inside of me that is not ready to give up although a few times over this past year in my mind I have been like, "be happy with yourself" or "just learn to love who you are and how you look" but it's just words, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I am SO unhappy with myself right now that it's absolutely pitiful. I think if I heard anyone else say out loud the things that I am saying in my head I would think that person was utterly hopeless and yet, that is how I feel sometimes.

     There is one thing I have come to learn about myself, when I can not control my "diet" and am throwing all caution to the wind, for the moment there is a huge weight off my shoulders BUT I start becoming very negative in other areas of my life, taking care of my home, being a mom, a friend, a wife.  I beat myself up and it starts to show in my productivity.
     Now on the other hand when I am taking control and being successful at it, it's like a new life in my steps.  I hold my head up, I am more positive about what I am doing, if I fall short, "No Biggie" it's just an error, I fix it and move on instead of dwell on it and hold it against myself.  I am my worst critic, I can overlook the largest of mistakes or flaws in others but highlight and emphasize the tiniest of my own.  I think I really hate what I have become, or allowed myself to become, so much as I don't feel I am worth of even the simplest reward.  I don't want my husband to do something nice for me because what I am doing nothing to deserve it.  Sure I make the family dinner each day, keep the house clean, teach my youngest home school, make sure the family's schedule runs smoothly and much more......but SO WHAT!  I might have just been able to tell you all those GOOD things I do but none of them matter because I can't loose this disgusting weight and I physically feel pain from it!

     Which leads me to my newest issue, pain.  The pain in my feet is coming back.  It used to be so bad I could barely walk and when I lost 100+ lbs back in 2009 it practically went away. That's right, gone!  Well it's taken about 5 yrs but it's back.  It's started in the last month or so. But not just my feet now, also my knees & lower back.  First thing in the morning or during the night I have to grab onto the bed & dresser just to make it to the bathroom.  During the day at times when I go from room to room I have to lean over and the limp/hobble dance that has become my 'new move" must make me look like a real weirdo.  Not to mention when I power through it when I do try to exercise.  Yes there  have been a few times when I get up and go to the local walking track, I turn on the tunes and in about an hour or so I am able to complete 3 miles.  I power through it but later that day I pay for it so badly.  I don't know how much longer my feet will
hold out.
Earlier this year in the spring (during one of my 'trys') I registered for and completed my first 5K.  It was tough, I did it in just under 1 hr and I wasn't the last person across the finish line. Yeah for me right?  I was so proud, was gonna frame my #badge (is that what they call the number you wear on your chest?) with a pic of me crossing the finish line and my time. It was going to be my motivation. But something (not sure what) derailed me shortly after...and.....with my hands in the air, (like this picture shows), I gave up.  Where is my #badge I was so proud of now......I really don't know.  I would be too ashamed to look at it anyway.

     I have been watching Extreme Weigh Loss w/ Chris Powell this season, well sort of watching. It's hard to watch.  I am mixed up with so many emotions when I do. I cry through all of them. I think, "if someone like that (Chris) believed in me enough to devote all that time into helping me figure out why I struggle like I do, maybe it would help me believe me!  I get angry when I watch because I wasn't chosen, I've mentioned in my posts in the past about how I came so close.
     CAN YOU BELIEVE they called me AGAIN this year and had the nerve to say that they saw something special in me from my previous submissions and really wanted me to come and apply for this year?????  In my mind I was thinking, if I was so special why did you not pick me LAST YEAR and at the same time there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this was my year.  Of course I told the producer that I was so crushed from not being chosen and that it sent me into such a depression that I could not take that kind of rejection again.  So that was that.




     I realize this post is quite pitiful, maybe a bit depressing and not the least bit encouraging. Of course I don't think anyone reads it anymore but that is OK.  I am writing this to help me talk it out.  It's embarrassing stuff but oh well, it's who I am.  The emotional roller coaster I have gone through this past year, the trials my family has had to deal with, so much has happened but I would injure a finger if I tried to type it all out, so just know that this last year has not been easy for me on so many levels.  I can say that this summer had some amazingly good things going on and I immersed myself in them to the best of my ability but behind the scenes there were some tearful days.  I just focused on the big picture, the amazing opportunity of meeting the beautiful people from all over the world and thinking of a better future to come. Sad thing was each time I met a new person I was thinking to myself, I wish I wasn't so overweight, what do they think of me, do they think I am a slob or lazy, I was embarrassed but I tried not to let it hold me back. Some days it was easier than others, but some days I just stood behind the crowd and watched from a distance.

     So what is next for me, like I mentioned earlier I am currently 'giving it another try'. I thought yesterday was tough with choosing the right foods, I kept wanting to eat, not because I was hungry but I managed and did well. Today is day 4, trying to break my addiction to the sugar & carbs. I know I have to if I want to be successful. Today has been tough. I have lost count how many times I have opened the fridge for something to eat.  I came really close at one point today, I had the package of bagels on the counter and getting ready to toast one w/ some PB&J (it's all I really have people, there is very little junk food in the house right now) but I said NO, I put it all away and found some black olives to eat.  I kept telling myself, "You have to break this cycle, you have to break this cycle" as I put it all away, I usually get 3 days in and the cravings overwhelm me and I give in, then it's back to square one.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   

     Hubby wants to take me to a movie tonight. Popcorn, candy & slushiness OH MY!  But I will certainly say no to those foods while I am there. Now if I was alone at the movie I probably would, NO, I know I would not be strong and would give in but because he is aware of my current efforts I will avoid those foods...............but it's going to be hard.  

Why don't I love myself enough to make better choices and be strong enough to just say 'NO' to the food??? That's the real question isn't it?







So what to talk about next. I don't know. I guess I will take it one day at a time and see what happens.  I will just use this blog as my personal online diary and if someone happens to read it, then great. If not.....it was my opportunity to 'puke' out my feelings and hopefully if I do this I will learn to understand me a little bit more.










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