So back to what I asked, "Why do I eat?" Most people eat because they are hungry and they want to fuel their bodies. That is part of it, I mean I do get hungry but I have never ate to fuel my body. Think about those words for a minute, "FUEL YOUR BODY" Oh, you mean there is a purpose for eating????? Imagine that! As I have talked about before, I grew up with little to no nutrition advice, our family ate what we could afford, fruits & vegetables were only when we visited certain relatives or friends, ask any of my family, I grew up on macaroni & cheese with fish sticks (and not the name brand OH NO!) I remember as a kid wanting the Kraft brand cause their noodles were curved and we always got the generic AND our fish sticks were FLAT, not round like the Gorton's brand. LOL The things we recall huh?
I even remember my father at the end of the table, his 4 daughters (under 10 yrs old) around the table and him not eating, why? He was waiting to make sure we all got enough to eat before he would eat. So when dinner was there, you ate all that you were given till you were full. Going to grandma's house was a treat 'cause she always had 'the good food'. I won't go into all the yummies that grandma had, but you all know how it is. Mine always had name brand foods and THAT was great! So many of my childhood memories were about food. Those things shape us and we don't even know it at the time.
Jump just 31 years in the future to today (yes that gives away my age for those of you who want to do the math) and I struggle EVERY DAY with food.
I HATE IT! I HATE THAT FOOD IS AN ISSUE! I HATE THAT FOOD IS A PROBLEM!
I HATE FOOD!
......and yet I LOVE it at the same time. A LOVE / HATE relationship with anything can be deadly and I feel that is where I am. I am at a point that if I don't mend my relationship with food soon, it could lead to death, or a version of life that is so unpleasant that I don't want to live.
So....WHY do I eat? I eat for every other reason EXCEPT for being hungry. Those of you who don't struggle with any sort of eating issue are like "Huh...what do you mean eating doesn't have to do with hunger....of course it does." Well guess what......there are many of us out here that struggle every day with food and WISH we didn't!
So then, what are my reasons for eating, I made a list..... (in no particular order)
- Angry
- Sad
- Worried
- Frustrated
- Lonely
- Bored
- Happy
- Excited
- Depressed
- Disappointed
- Trapped
- Let Down
- Celebratory
- Pissed Off! (sorry to use that word but it happens)
- Anxiety
- Feeling left out
- Unimportant
- Useless
Get the picture, just about every feeling I can have takes me to food. Now yes, Happy is in there, and why is that? Well even when I am getting together with friends or doing something fun, it revolves around food. Whether we cook or go out to eat I feel that way. So yeah, just about any emotion you can think leads to food, NEVER hunger. Oh sure, if I get hungry I eat but that doesn't happen much cause I have already eaten for all the other reasons so I don't let myself get hungry. And something else I have learned in this last year, I fear getting hungry. HUH? I don't know but when it comes time for a meal whether at home or out somewhere else, there is a little worry wort in my head that is concerned if I will get 'enough' to eat.
That is the FIRST time I have EVER admitted that out loud. But it's true. I wish I knew why or where that started cause I have never gone hungry but I worry about not being 'full". People talk about eating til their satisfied but for me, I can't judge that feeling, full is when you can't eat any more and THAT my friends is another part of my problem, portion control. But that is for another day. Now you know why I eat, I am so ashamed this is the case and I am so embarrassed right now for admitting all this BUT it's the truth. I have to believe I am not alone in this but if I am, now you know a little more about me and my struggle.
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