THE STRUGGLE......why do I eat... (because I hate food) ???

     This past week I had a conversation with someone about my food addiction. I find it a little easier to talk about now and I believe that this last year and writing this blog has really helped.  So whether this is read by others or not, expressing myself here has allowed me to analyze and really think about what I'm doing.

     So back to what I asked, "Why do I eat?"  Most people eat because they are hungry and they want to fuel their bodies. That is part of it, I mean I do get hungry but I have never ate to fuel my body.  Think about those words for a minute, "FUEL   YOUR  BODY"  Oh, you mean there is a purpose for eating?????  Imagine that!  As I have talked about before, I grew up with little to no nutrition advice, our family ate what we could afford, fruits & vegetables were only when we visited certain relatives or friends, ask any of my family, I grew up on macaroni & cheese with fish sticks (and not the name brand OH NO!)  I remember as a kid wanting the Kraft brand cause their noodles were curved and we always got the generic AND our fish sticks were FLAT, not round like the Gorton's brand.  LOL  The things we recall huh?

     I even remember my father at the end of the table, his 4 daughters (under 10 yrs old) around the table and him not eating, why? He was waiting to make sure we all got enough to eat before he would eat. So when dinner was there, you ate all that you were given till you were full. Going to grandma's house was a treat 'cause she always had 'the good food'.  I won't go into all the yummies that grandma had, but you all know how it is. Mine always had name brand foods and THAT was great!  So many of my childhood memories were about food.  Those things shape us and we don't even know it at the time.

     Jump just 31 years in the future to today (yes that gives away my age for those of you who want to do the math) and I struggle EVERY DAY with food.

I HATE IT!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS AN ISSUE!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS A PROBLEM!  

I HATE FOOD!

......and yet I LOVE it at the same time.  A LOVE / HATE relationship with anything can be deadly and I feel that is where I am. I am at a point that if I don't mend my relationship with food soon, it could lead to death, or a version of life that is so unpleasant that I don't want to live.

     So....WHY do I eat?  I eat for every other reason EXCEPT for being hungry.  Those of you who don't struggle with any sort of eating issue are like "Huh...what do you mean eating doesn't have to do with hunger....of course it does."  Well guess what......there are many of us out here that struggle every day with food and WISH we didn't!
So then, what are my reasons for eating, I made a list..... (in no particular order)

• Angry
• Sad
• Worried
• Frustrated
• Lonely
• Bored
• Happy
• Excited
• Depressed
• Disappointed
• Trapped
• Let Down
• Celebratory
• Pissed Off! (sorry to use that word but it happens)
• Anxiety
• Feeling left out
• Unimportant
• Useless

     Get the picture, just about every feeling I can have takes me to food. Now yes, Happy is in there, and why is that? Well even when I am getting together with friends or doing something fun, it revolves around food. Whether we cook or go out to eat I feel that way. So yeah, just about any emotion you can think leads to food, NEVER hunger.  Oh sure, if I get hungry I eat but that doesn't happen much cause I have already eaten for all the other reasons so I don't let myself get hungry.  And something else I have learned in this last year, I fear getting hungry. HUH?  I don't know but when it comes time for a meal whether at home or out somewhere else, there is a little worry wort in my head that is concerned if I will get 'enough' to eat.

That is the FIRST time I have EVER admitted that out loud.  But it's true.  I wish I knew why or where that started cause I have never gone hungry but I worry about not being 'full".  People talk about eating til their satisfied but for me, I can't judge that feeling, full is when you can't eat any more and THAT my friends is another part of my problem, portion control. But that is for another day. Now you know why I eat, I am so ashamed this is the case and I am so embarrassed right now for admitting all this BUT it's the truth.  I have to believe I am not alone in this but if I am, now you know a little more about me and my struggle.  

Back at it again.

     I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post.  So much has happened (and not happened).  One thing that definitely has NOT happened is any success in my weight loss. My struggles continue.  My food addiction continues, I just can't seem to beat it.  I have tried SO MANY times in the last year to "get back on tract" and a couple of times have started well but always end up the same, falling off the wagon and eating whatever I can get my hands on.  (I actually would have brain surgery if it would stop me from thinking about food all the time)  I know my family is disappointed in me though they never say it, but I can tell. I just pretend like I can't.  It's the elephant in the room.  I think if I had never lost the weight before maybe it wouldn't be so awkward but I have and now that it is back and my try/fail record is stacking up, well, it's the subject that everyone wants cleared up but no one wants to address.  I am sure they don't want to hurt my feelings and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I can't bear to discuss it, so I pretend it doesn't exist on the outside while I am dying on the inside.

     So what is new with me right now?  Well I am trying again.  Giving it another go. I think the fact that I keep trying shows there is something inside of me that is not ready to give up although a few times over this past year in my mind I have been like, "be happy with yourself" or "just learn to love who you are and how you look" but it's just words, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I am SO unhappy with myself right now that it's absolutely pitiful. I think if I heard anyone else say out loud the things that I am saying in my head I would think that person was utterly hopeless and yet, that is how I feel sometimes.

     There is one thing I have come to learn about myself, when I can not control my "diet" and am throwing all caution to the wind, for the moment there is a huge weight off my shoulders BUT I start becoming very negative in other areas of my life, taking care of my home, being a mom, a friend, a wife.  I beat myself up and it starts to show in my productivity.
     Now on the other hand when I am taking control and being successful at it, it's like a new life in my steps.  I hold my head up, I am more positive about what I am doing, if I fall short, "No Biggie" it's just an error, I fix it and move on instead of dwell on it and hold it against myself.  I am my worst critic, I can overlook the largest of mistakes or flaws in others but highlight and emphasize the tiniest of my own.  I think I really hate what I have become, or allowed myself to become, so much as I don't feel I am worth of even the simplest reward.  I don't want my husband to do something nice for me because what I am doing nothing to deserve it.  Sure I make the family dinner each day, keep the house clean, teach my youngest home school, make sure the family's schedule runs smoothly and much more......but SO WHAT!  I might have just been able to tell you all those GOOD things I do but none of them matter because I can't loose this disgusting weight and I physically feel pain from it!

     Which leads me to my newest issue, pain.  The pain in my feet is coming back.  It used to be so bad I could barely walk and when I lost 100+ lbs back in 2009 it practically went away. That's right, gone!  Well it's taken about 5 yrs but it's back.  It's started in the last month or so. But not just my feet now, also my knees & lower back.  First thing in the morning or during the night I have to grab onto the bed & dresser just to make it to the bathroom.  During the day at times when I go from room to room I have to lean over and the limp/hobble dance that has become my 'new move" must make me look like a real weirdo.  Not to mention when I power through it when I do try to exercise.  Yes there  have been a few times when I get up and go to the local walking track, I turn on the tunes and in about an hour or so I am able to complete 3 miles.  I power through it but later that day I pay for it so badly.  I don't know how much longer my feet will
hold out.
Earlier this year in the spring (during one of my 'trys') I registered for and completed my first 5K.  It was tough, I did it in just under 1 hr and I wasn't the last person across the finish line. Yeah for me right?  I was so proud, was gonna frame my #badge (is that what they call the number you wear on your chest?) with a pic of me crossing the finish line and my time. It was going to be my motivation. But something (not sure what) derailed me shortly after...and.....with my hands in the air, (like this picture shows), I gave up.  Where is my #badge I was so proud of now......I really don't know.  I would be too ashamed to look at it anyway.

     I have been watching Extreme Weigh Loss w/ Chris Powell this season, well sort of watching. It's hard to watch.  I am mixed up with so many emotions when I do. I cry through all of them. I think, "if someone like that (Chris) believed in me enough to devote all that time into helping me figure out why I struggle like I do, maybe it would help me believe me!  I get angry when I watch because I wasn't chosen, I've mentioned in my posts in the past about how I came so close.
     CAN YOU BELIEVE they called me AGAIN this year and had the nerve to say that they saw something special in me from my previous submissions and really wanted me to come and apply for this year?????  In my mind I was thinking, if I was so special why did you not pick me LAST YEAR and at the same time there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this was my year.  Of course I told the producer that I was so crushed from not being chosen and that it sent me into such a depression that I could not take that kind of rejection again.  So that was that.